


67 Days

by CaptainoftheRirenShip



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alaska, BAMF!Levi, Dark, Depressed Eren Yeager, Depression, JFC, LAPD, Levi is a fucking captain again, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, SWAT, Self Harm, Skype, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, they met over a chat site
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2018-05-23 05:13:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6106027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainoftheRirenShip/pseuds/CaptainoftheRirenShip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two months without sun - something Eren hasn't had to deal with alone for six years. The only thing keeping him stable anymore seems to be Levi Ackerman, the name of the only human being he's had any contact with - and even then, online interaction can only help so much with someone drowning in the depths of depression, even with the happy lights.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Français available: [67 Days](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9336203) by [roseroro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/roseroro/pseuds/roseroro)



> Alaska is a large state, and the number of apparent days and nights in each year depends on latitude. At its northernmost settlement, Barrow, the sun sets at winter solstice and does not rise for 67 days; near the summer solstice, the sun does the opposite and never sets for an 85-day period. Therefore, Barrow has about 298 days and 280 nights.
> 
> The layout for the various sites:
> 
> Chatango users are bolded
> 
> Facebook users are italicized
> 
> Skype users are underlined
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own SnK. Also, trigger warnings for panic attacks, self harm, and suicidal thoughts later on.

Happy lights.

Funny name, Eren always thought. They were supposed to imitate the sun and ward off the unrelenting darkness, but they didn't make him feel any better. He definitely wasn't happy. It was all false advertisement – though it wasn't like they wanted people unhappy. The suicide rates for this month of darkness were through the roof.

The lights shone brightly, the stark contrast from outside blinding Eren as he entered his home. He paused briefly, blinking away the spots in his vision, shutting the door against the cold as he waited. His vision cleared quickly enough and he set his groceries down before setting his coat on the coat rack. It was followed by his hat and gloves, then the two lighter jackets he'd worn under his coat. His cold, wet boots were left by the door, leaving him in warm, fluffy socks.

He had to take three trips to get all the bags to the kitchen, carrying five or six on each arm to avoid having to go back again. Eren quietly started putting things away, the rustling of bags and the opening and closing of the fridge or cabinets the only noises in the otherwise silent house. That was how it always was. Silence was the only noise, and it was deafening sometimes, roaring in Eren's ears loud enough that he couldn't even hear his own screams.

'Sometimes' usually wasn't often. Usually, there were others with him, all of them suffering the same silence, creating their own noise and distracting each other and themselves. But now there was silence. All of those people had gone, leaving him to the suffocating, silent darkness. All gone to the mainland of America, all to have fun in the light without him. Not that he hadn't brought it upon himself. He'd been the one to nominate himself to stay. Someone had to look after their home, he'd said.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Eren wandered over to the television set, picking up the remote. His finger hovered over the power button, but he hesitated. Nothing would be on, he realized dimly. They may be part of a lucky few that had internet and cable, but it was meaningless. The shows on the television were mind-numbing and stupid. The news would likely merely be talking about the looming darkness over Alaska, reminding him of his predicament. He set the remote aside and turned away, feet padding softly on the carpet as he made his way to his bedroom.

The small tune of his computer starting up was comforting, yet eerie. The way it echoed in the room only reminded him of how alone he was, and the hairs raised on the back of his neck. Still, he did his best to ignore it, curling up on his bed and bringing the laptop to sit in front of him. He decided against pulling up Facebook; the amount of happy people talking about their boringly happy lives and picture-perfect relationships had always irritated him, and now he knew it would just make him yearn for another human's presence even more. Instead he opened his Tumblr.

He was assaulted immediately by a collage of cat pictures. Leave it to a blog site. He scrolled through his dashboard, once cracking a smile at an inflatable balloon man for a blood drive ("THE BEAST DEMANDS SACRIFICE," the caption said), but not a single thing earned laughter. Not like the usual.

Maybe he could go on Shamchat. That sounded sort of fun. Play as Kaneki Ken or someone, maybe a cat and see how all the other characters react. Or maybe he'd go on Chatango. Find someone interesting to talk to. He could try playing on an LAN server on Minecraft, meet some new people. Back up to Shamchat. Drunk!Dean Winchester could be a popular one.

Nah, back up, Chatango sounds good. Human interaction.

Eren scrolled through the list of online users on the chat, setting his ages to 18+. _No kiddos, please_ , he thought absently as he read the short bios.

**ADownUpMakeItRain - Female, 21**

_loves playing Zelda, roleplaying, and talking to other nerds!_

**Kinkmeme - Male, 18**

_looking for pet, good master ;) ~ add me on Instagram kinkxmaster69_

**that-curvy-bree - Female, 19**

_new! Add me on Kik ;) ;* itsbreexoxo_

**xXtreehuggerXx - Female, 25**

_Talk to me if you're depressed, or even if you just need a friend. I'm here for you._

**Humanitys-Strongest - Male, 29**

_Bored insomniac. Questioning this site._

That peaked Eren's interest. Chatango seemed to attract very specific audiences – the social networking slash sexting obsessed teens, the nerds with too much hope for finding a non-sexual roleplay buddy, and people that liked to sit and talk about how depressed they were. The last would literally sit there for hours and talk about how shitty their life was without actually talking about it, and never gave a response you could actually respond to.

Today there seemed to be a few more interesting characters. Eren clicked on the first, fourth, and fifth, switching to each tab to send them a greeting. Friendly to the first, insert corny Zelda joke here. The second got a meek hello. The third –

His fingers hovered over the keyboard. What to say? Why was he even thinking so hard about this?

 **titanicjaeger:** Hello fellow bored person

Eh, that should do it.

He'd already gotten a response from the other two. The first with a simple _I see what you did there~_ and the second with a friendly mirrored greeting, asking about his day. He answered them both ('I've got an arsenal of jokes' and 'it could be worse') before switching back to the third tab. The man sent a response just as he opened the tab.

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Bonsoir. Or is it daytime where you are?

French? Eren vaguely remembered French class. He looked at his clock. 8:47 pm.

 **titanicjaeger:** nope, bonsoir is right. Not that you could tell if it was daytime from looking outside though. Dark as fuck out there

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Well, yes. If it's nighttime, I wouldn't exactly expect it to be light outside.

 **titanicjaeger:** -.-

 **titanicjaeger:** i'm in Alaska, dude. Got a whole two months of night ahead of me. oh joy

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Ah. I see.

There was nothing after that, and Eren let out a soft sigh. Not the first time he'd been left with a conversation-ending sentence. He returned to the other two, realizing he'd left them hanging as he spoke to the man. The first person was slowly losing his interest, but the second was keeping his mind off of things.

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** So if you don't mind me asking, what time is it over there?

 **titanicjaeger:** 9pm ish. You?

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Around 10pm. Where are you?

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** ahh! Wait that makes me sound stalkerish!

 **titanicjaeger:** lol no it's okay. I'm in Alaska.

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Oh, brrr! I could never. Oh, isn't it dark there right now? A month of it or something? It just started I think. Don't most people leave?

 **titanicjaeger:** two months actually, 67 days, but yeah, all of my housemates left. I said I'd stay behind to watch the house. It's really dark and the suicide rates increase my sister didn't want me to stay

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Well I wouldn't either! You poor soul. How are you taking it?

 **titanicjaeger:** well its okay so far but like you said the month just started. The happy lights help a bit though.

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Happy lights?

 **titanicjaeger:** yeah, they're supposed to make it seem more like there's a sun. Something about serotonin and melatonin but I don't believe that shit, besides they're expensive. I can't afford all these lights on my own. Most of the time they're off I only use them if I need them

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Well, I don't know… that doesn't seem like a good idea… shouldn't you have them on like 8 hours or something? So it's more like a regular day. That can't be healthy.

 **titanicjaeger:** prolly not. But still. I think spending all my money on the electric bill will make me more depressed honestly

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Hmm. You do have a point. I guess you would know better than me. How often are you online?

 **titanicjaeger:** it comes and goes. Sometimes I'm on a lot.

 **xXtreehuggerXx:** Well, I'm online 12pm to 1pm (my lunch break) and about 5pm – 10pm on weekdays, and I have this tab open all weekend. If you ever need to talk to me, I'll be here then.

 **titanicjaeger:** thanks, I think I'll be okay but I'll probably still talk to you

He was being completely honest. This woman seemed nice. He glanced up at the third tab only to see three unread responses. He hastily clicked on the chat and read through them.

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** An acquaintance of mine told me I should say sorry for my assumption.

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** So I apologize for being an ass. It's normal.

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** tell me you didn't log off brat

 **titanicjaeger:** I accept your apology. not the nickname though, I'm 22!

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** And I'm turning thirty next month.

 **titanicjaeger:** I'm not a brat you're just old

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Sure. Speak of the devil. It's this old coot's bedtime.

 **titanicjaeger:** bullshit, come on, I was joking. Sorry?

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Apology accepted, but I'm not kidding, I have work at five in the morning and it's 10:15. I probably won't sleep, but I have to try. That's what being an adult is, brat.

 **titanicjaeger:** more like being an old coot. Whatever. Do you have skype?

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** I think so...

 **titanicjaeger:**..... how do you not know

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Pretty sure I made one about a year ago for work. Never used it.

 **titanicjaeger:** you should skype me tomorrow when you have time, it's the same as this username

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** Don't you have friends to bother with your presence?

 **titanicjaeger:** pffft nope. Just you old man, all my friends went to Ohio

 **titanicjaeger:** living up to my brat status

 **Humanitys-Strongest:** I see that. Fine, we'll see.

They bade each other good night. Eren didn't know when the corners of his lips had twitched up into a faint smile, but it amazed him. All he'd done was talk to some guy for fifteen minutes. Maybe it was because he wasn't talking about depression or demanding his ASL.

He glanced at the clock. 9:16. Fuck it. He was going to browse Tumblr some more, and if he passed out, great.

.-.-.-.-.

"Fuck!"

Eren nearly jumped out of his chair as Skype let out an annoying ringing noise, signaling someone was calling. He placed a hand on his chest, willing his heart to stop racing. The noise had startled him, making him nearly fall off his bed. The username read Humanitys-Strongest. Eren snorted in amusement. How creative. But he also felt himself smiling. The person had actually tried to contact him.

Eren clicked the answer button, making sure his camera and microphone were off before rolling back onto his stomach, legs swaying back and forth in the air. The call connected, and there was a moment before a small speech bubble appeared – it seemed the other guy didn't connect his camera either.

Humanitys-Strongest: Well there you go, I fucking called. Happy?

titanicjaeger: very, but you don't seem like you are. Something wrong?

Humanitys-Strongest: Only the fact that four-eyes hid my fucking wallet, now I have to go to lunch with her

titanicjaeger: well at least there's free food involved. Make her pay for her sins lol

Humanitys-Strongest: Oh, way ahead of you. Lobster sounds fantastic.

titanicjaeger: oh my god XD

titanicjaeger: lobster sounds so gooood

titanicjaeger: but way off budget. Ughhhh paying back college…

Humanitys-Strongest: I don't think it's worth the price myself. What did you go to college for?

titanicjaeger: oh? Old coot is taking an interest in this brat? I went into medicine and dentistry. Both boring, both pay well, but I don't exactly have the best job options when everyone's gone

Humanitys-Strongest: Right, Alaska.

Humanitys-Strongest: Ugh, she's not shutting up. Want to turn on the microphones? Maybe she'll stop fucking blabbing then. Or maybe she'll start interrupting you. I don't know at this point. Up to you.

titanicjaeger: sure, why not?

Humanitys-Strongest: Let me just plug in my headphones before you start talking

Eren waited patiently, inwardly excited. He really wanted to hear another voice in the big, empty house, and he had been wondering what his new online friend sounded like. He went ahead and turned his microphone on, then made sure he would be able to hear the guy when he started talking. Just in time, too.

 _"Testing, testing, one two three,"_ came a bored-sounding monotone from the laptop's speakers, A deep baritone, fitting of the man's personality. _"Hear me, brat?"_

"I hear ya, old man," Eren replied brightly. He felt like, even years later, he'd never be able to explain how happy he felt hearing another person's voice. A smile instantly lit his features. He could hear another person in the background, babbling about something without even pausing for breath, along with what was probably the radio. "Do you hear me okay?"

 _"Just fine,"_ was the response, and suddenly the voice in the background stopped. _"Oh, look at that, she shut up."_

"Glad to know I was of some help," Eren laughed. "Tell her I say hi."

_"Shitty glasses, the brat sends greetings."_

_"Hi Levi's new internet friend!"_

The voice was very faint but Eren still picked up the words. He cocked his head. "Levi, huh? I like it. I'm Eren."

 _"Way to go, four-eyes, just tell some kid I met my name,"_ Levi scoffed, but he didn't sound upset. _"Nice to know your name now, Eren."_

Sweet Jesus, why did a chill run up his spine when Levi said his name? Was it that sultry voice? The amused tone? The smirk he could practically hear in his tone?

"Y-Yeah. Yours too, Levi."

 _"Put him on speaker,"_ came an insistent whine from who Eren could only assume was the friend Levi mentioned before.

_"Why should I?"_

_"I want to talk to the only person online that's managed to catch your interest, even if it's just barely!"_

_"Well, brat? Willing to talk to this crazed lunatic?"_

Eren shrugged before realizing Levi couldn't see him. "Sure, yeah. What's her name?"

 _"My name is Hanji Zoe, sweetie!"_ came a bubbly voice, along with radio noise. One of them must have noticed, because it quickly went away. _"Nice to meet you, Eren!"_

"Nice to meet you too, Hanji," Eren greeted politely. "You a friend of Levi's?"

_"She's a parasite."_

_"Levi and I are besties!"_

The responses were given at the same time, and they immediately broke into argument, accompanied by Eren's chuckles.

_"No we absolutely are not you insane fuck."_

_"I am not a parasite! Meanie!"_

_"You leech me of my sanity."_

_"Oh, bull! This is a two-way beneficial friendship. I'm buying you lunch!"_

_"Ah, yes, how could I forget? I'm thinking five-star restaurant lobster course. Sound good?"_

_"You wouldn't."_

_"Wouldn't I?"_

_"Don't you dare, short-stack!"_

The arguing stopped abruptly as Eren burst into laughter. The friends audibly huffed in unison, though they sounded amused. Eren managed to calm himself enough to ask, "Is he really short?"

That sent him and Hanji into a fresh wave of laughter. _"No, fuck you both, you are just stupidly fucking tall!"_

_"How tall are you, Eren?"_

"I'm five seven. You?"

 _"No way! Me too! Shorty over here is five three,"_ Hanji snorted, then squeaked slightly. _"Owwie! Levi!"_

_"Shut your whore mouth, shitty-glasses."_

"You guys must be good friends," Eren hummed, eyes shifting to the clock. "It _is_ getting to lunchtime... maybe I should go make food." He paused. "But I'm not hungry."

_"What did you have for breakfast?"_

"Uhh. Nothing? I woke up about an hour before you called."

Levi sounded irritated. _"Eat something then, brat. Take care of yourself. It's too easy to let yourself deteriorate in the situation you're in."_

 _"Food will help you psychologically,"_ Hanji added brightly.

"Yeah, yeah. You worry too much," Eren directed at Levi with a playful roll of his eyes, even though he knew the man couldn't see it. "I don't even know what you look like, but I already know you're too grumpy."

_"Shut the hell up and go eat."_

"Fine, whatever. Talk to you later."

_"Who says we'll talk later?"_

"I do, you fucking killjoy."

_"Later, Eren!"_

Then the line went dead. Eren didn't realize until he was minimizing Skype that he was grinning like an idiot, and he found himself blushing, even if he was all by his lonesome. He couldn't explain why he was so pleased to talk to Levi and Hanji, but it certainly lifted his spirits to communicate with them, even if he couldn't see them. It was comforting, and he clung onto human interaction like a lifeline, and really, that was exactly what it was. Rolling his shoulders, he stood up and padded to the kitchen to obey their orders and make himself some food.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just jumped straight into this and tbh I'm scared of writing this
> 
> when Sorkari and I use the same screen name for two VERY different purposes-
> 
> also, I am making Mikasa a Jaeger in this. Mostly bc I don't want her to have any relation with Levi.

_Mikasa: How are you doing?_

The message appeared in the bottom right corner of his screen, and Eren clicked it, unable to describe the relief that washed over him. It had been a few days since any of his friends messaged him. The only people he had spoken to were the woman from Chatango - he'd recently found out she was a medic in law enforcement, though she wasn't specific - and Levi. Levi was really weird, grumpy, and sarcastic, but Eren could tell he was really nice and honestly concerned.

_Mikasa: Sorry I haven't called or messaged. We've been in a bunch of dead zones. Are you okay?_

_Eren: Fine, for the most part. It's really quiet though. Kinda scary, honestly_

_Mikasa: Oh, please. Better watch out for the big bad monsters Eren, they'll climb in through your window._

_Eren: spoopy_

_Mikasa: And eat you because you're an idiot_

_Eren: Mika you're scaring me uwahh ;n;_

_Eren: but how are you guys?_

_Mikasa: Decent. It's pretty fun, I have to admit. I still wish you came with us._

_Eren: Yeah, well, someone had to look after the place. I'll be okay. When are you guys coming back?_

_Mikasa: January 15th. A few days before the sun comes back. Promise you'll tell me when something is wrong?_

_Eren: Promise. I've made it two weeks, and I'm still doing fine. I've been talking with some online friends, they're distracting me from things._

Friends. Yeah, he would consider them friends. Not too extreme or anything, they had only met about a week prior, but he had been quite a lot to Levi and on occasion Hanji. The woman from Chatango, as well, who was surprisingly helpful in warding off any dark corners of his room. She chatted with him about anything and everything, from their interests to her cats to his friends, and she was very sweet. Levi never failed to make him laugh, though he didn't know most of the time. They Skyped often, though only one other time included microphones, and it was because Eren was cooking at the time.

Still, he liked to think Levi enjoyed talking to him, as the man didn't seem like the type to lie to someone about liking them.

_Mikasa: That's good. I suppose I can trust you to follow the typical online safety crap, right?_

_Eren: no Mika I'm going to tell them where we live so they can break down the door and we can have a huge gang bang and be driven slowly insane by the darkness_

_Eren: Of course I'm going to be careful_

_Mikasa: Dork. Whatever. We're heading out now, so I'll talk to you later. Love you, Eren_

_Eren: love you too, tell the others I love them_

_Eren: except Jean, tell him to go get fucked_

_Mikasa: Jean just said Marco already did and at least he's getting more than you_

Eren grinned in the darkness. He and Jean always butted heads. His smile faded slightly as he thought of how much he would like for even that horse-faced bastard to be here, just so he wasn't alone. He'd take all the griping and quarreling to shut out the silence.

_Eren: fuckin fag_

_Mikasa: Eren, you're gayer than he is, you can't say that_

_Eren: yeh but so long as I'm single I can give him shit_

_Mikasa: Yeah, sure. Leaving now. Talk to you later_

Eren left her on 'seen', knowing if he said anything she wouldn't see it until much, much later. A yawn overcame him as he stretched across his bed, and he rubbed his eyes, glancing at his clock. He'd been awake for eighteen hours. He supposed he should go to bed, but he found himself automatically adding another hour to the time and realizing Levi had been off work for about half an hour. They hadn't talked much yesterday, the man having been very busy, so Eren supposed it couldn't hurt to call again.

As usual, he picked up almost instantly, and to Eren's pleasant surprise, it was Levi's voice filling the room rather than a small speech bubble on his screen.

_"Was just about to call you, kid."_

Wow, he sounded tired, like he hadn't slept in days. Eren hurriedly turned his mic on, allowing himself a small smile. "Blessing me with your voice, old man? I'm so honored."

 _"Yeah, well, this is the last time for a while,"_ Levi responded, giving an exhausted sigh. Eren recalled the man mentioning how mentally straining his job could be, and suddenly felt guilty for constantly pestering him online. _"Did I ever tell you where I work?"_

"Uh..." Eren scratched the back of his head, deciding to abandon his Facebook in favor of paying more attention to the man. "Some sort of police force, right? Some armed guy, I dunno."

Levi laughed weakly, sounding slightly strained, but genuine at the same time. _"You're just a sponge of information, aren't you? I'm part of the L.A.P.D. I'm the leader of a S.W.A.T. team."_

"Wow, really? I just thought you were a normal cop. That's so cool! So you, what, like save hostages and stuff?"

 _"That's part of it, yeah."_ There was a pause, and another sigh. _"My squad is taking off to another state where they've asked for our help, and I could be gone for two, three weeks. Hanji figured I should let you know, for whatever reason, and I guess it makes sense."_

Eren was quiet a moment, processing the information. At first he was a little lost, but then it clicked, and he realized what someone he didn't even know had noticed before him - Levi had become the only constant in his life, the only person keeping him on a regular sleep schedule, the only person

"You know what, old man?"

_"What?"_

"I'm really glad you told me, because I'm lonely as fuck out here, and I wouldn't take well to your random disappearance," Eren told him honestly. "I don't really know you all that well, but you're the only one I really talk to regularly."

 _"I'm flattered."_ It was probably meant as a snarky jab, but it wound up sounding genuine. _"Does nobody else talk to you? Not your friends?"_

"Not really," Eren replied wistfully. "They're always on the move, so it's difficult to get time to talk. I can't resent them for it, but it gets lonely..." He tried to keep the downcast tone from seeping through his words. He thought for a moment of the girl from Chatango, then continued, "There's one other woman I talk to from time to time, but she's kinda... plain, I guess."

 _"Well..."_ Levi seemed to be at a loss for words. _"That - well - that's a shitty situation. Now I feel like a total ass."_

"What for?" Eren asked, bewildered.

_"I mean, not to put myself on a pedestal -"_

"I feel like that's exactly what you're about to do -"

_"But you sound like you'll be pretty lonely when I'm gone."_

"Oh, don't flatter yourself," Eren teased, ignoring just how true Levi's words were. "I'm sure I'll be fine. How long did you say you'd be offline?"

_"We expect a week to three weeks."_

"Huh. Alright, listen, I gotta admit, that doesn't exactly sound great." Eren had to be honest with himself, he really didn't want to be alone that long. One week versus three? No thanks. That was basically asking if he would rather be amused or lonely and depressed. "We're not, like, best buds or anything, but ya know, I do like talking with you. So you had better not die doing whatever you do, got it, old coot?"

A laugh, and a snarky tone, _"Don't underestimate me, shitty brat. I'm captain of a special forces team for a reason."_

Eren grinned at his computer screen. "When will you be leaving?"

_"My flight is tomorrow at eleven."_

"Wow, you actually get to sleep until a decent time for a flight?"

_"I blatantly fucking refuse to put my team through the torture of getting up at the ass-crack of dawn."_

Eren burst into laughter. "The big bad S.W.A.T. captain can't handle early hours?"

 _"It's more so I can pace holes in my floor all night and still get enough sleep to stay sane."_ Half-joking, but Eren got the feeling he was being honest.

"You worry that much? Ew, I bet you have gross worry lines like the old man you are."

_"Oh, please. My skin is baby smooth."_

"I don't believe you."

_"Believe it. I was born handsome, brat."_

Eren was trying desperately not to laugh again, but he couldn't hold back a few snickers here and there. "Maybe you're born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline, like a fake old man. You fake old man, you."

Levi scoffed. _"You wound me. I am a delicate fucking creature with delicate emotions and you will fucking treat me like one or I will claw your fucking face off."_

"Yeah, your way with words certainly emphasizes that statement."

 _"Pfft. If all you're going to do is doubt my perfection,"_ Eren _had_ to let out a snort then, _"I'm logging off, you fuckwad."_

"Nononono! Wait." Eren grinned like a dork at his computer as he opened a new tab in his browser. "Do you play games at all, or are you too old for technology?"

Levi blatantly ignored the jibe, replying, _"I don't play regularly, but I'll kick your ass at anything. What are you thinking?"_

"Okay, okay, you have a Windows computer, right? Because it won't work on most others."

_"Yes, I, like the majority of us American hicks, have a Windows computer."_

"Cool, good. Wanna play an online game with me instead of staying up all night thinking about your job?"

 _"Fuck, do I,"_ Levi replied. " _Good idea. Send me the link."_

After directing Levi to an online server, they spent their time as small characters taking out comical giants, chatting and joking over Skype until they both passed out on their keyboards.

.-.-.-.-.

"Hnng..."

Eren blinked away sleep, trying to clear his vision. His face was on his laptop keyboard, which was hot under his cheek. He peeled his cheek awkwardly off of it, slightly sticky with his sweat, and rubbed at his warm face. Skype was still open, though the call was disconnected. He waited for his blurred vision to clear before focusing on the tiny words on the screen. It seemed Levi had messaged him before leaving.

Humanitys-Strongest: Morning brat. Guess we both fell asleep. Just want to say good morning, rest well, eat well, and I'll be back soon. I'll try to at least contact you at some point. Hanji's Skype is psychescience and she's been wanting to talk to you. Don't let yourself get lonely up there.

It was sent at eight in the morning. Eren glanced at the clock, which told him it was fifteen past eleven. He sighed. There was no way he could talk to Levi now. He silently reprimanded himself, if only he'd woken up earlier he would have been able to at least wish the guy luck before he went out on a suicide mission -

He quickly shook his head, scolding his thoughts for putting himself down. He had no room for such negativity. Eren needed to stay positive, no matter what.

titanicjeager: Sorry, if I'd been up, I would have wished you good luck. Don't die out there, alright? I don't know if you'll even see this, it could be three weeks, it could be never. I'm hoping for the former.

Eren yawned as he plugged in his laptop to charge back up, and reluctantly rolled out of bed. He hit the floor with a small _oof!_ and let out an exaggerated groan before forcing himself to his feet. He supposed some of the theatrics were to create a sense of normalcy for himself, though he really did feel more sluggish than usual. He couldn't fathom why, and something in his mind nagged at him, but he pushed it away. There was no sense in dwelling on what could be a dark revelation.

He crossed the room slowly, still rubbing sleep from his eyes as he knelt by his desk. The lamp was still on, was always on, to keep the small plastic container under it warm. His eyes focused on the small caterpillar, creeping along quietly on the stick inside. Eren reached out and tapped lightly on the plastic. "Guess it's feeding time, huh, thunder buddy?" He plucked a small spattering of parsley leaves from the pot beside the container, opening the lid and gently placing it in. "Wouldn't want you to die on me now, Manten. You're my only buddy in this house right now. And everyone made fun of me having you..."

True, it had been a spur of the moment decision when they'd been at the pet store, and Eren didn't even think they'd have caterpillars there. Everyone had argued against him getting it - where would he put it? How would he care for it? What about when it turned into a butterfly? - but he hadn't listened or cared, more focused on his terribad Inuyasha joke. Now, however, he entertained the thoughts as he watched the caterpillar crawl to the host plant.

"You're going to build your cocoon one of these days. I'll be alone again then. Two more weeks, buddy... what will I do once you hatch? It's too cold to let you out. Think I could let you fly around in here? Or is that dangerous? If I just buy a bunch of those plants, maybe you'll be cool." He huffed quietly, chin dropping onto the desk. "Look at me. Talking to you. You don't even know what I'm saying."

Eren stood back up with a small yawn, the sensation in his limbs fading into a shiver towards the end. He glanced around his room groggily before opting for a shower, grabbing a random sweater and sweatpants from his drawer before dragging himself out of his room. He pointedly ignored the empty bedrooms down the hall on the way to the bathroom. The house was huge - huge and empty, and he had it entirely to himself.

He hated it.

He turned the shower on and undressed as he waited for the water to get hot, knowing it was undoubtedly freezing. It typically took a good forty five seconds to heat, so he took his time, inspecting his reflection and fighting off shivers. He looked like hell. Dark bags hung under his eyes from restless sleep and unusual hours. His face was gaunt already, a look he usually didn't achieve until much further along when he was with his friends. Maybe the darkness was getting to him worse than he thought.

Eren forced his gaze away from the shocking image of himself and jumped under the hot stream of water, muscles immediately relaxing. All his limbs sagged, and he leaned against the quickly warming wall, closing his eyes. He'd just woken up, but he already felt as though he was going to pass out again. Shit, maybe that melatonin and serotonin thing was more accurate than he thought. Eren knew he should have paid more attention when Armin was teaching him, but...

Armin.

The name made a sudden wave of grief crash into him, and he staggered under the weight of it. Armin, shit, Armin was gone, would be gone for so long with the others. Armin, sweet, adorable Armin. The little blond coconut with a surprising flair for sass and sarcasm, despite his cute appearance. The most brilliant person he knew. His best friend and brother. He'd never gone more than a few days of his life without Armin, let alone two months.

Then there was Mikasa. Kind, caring, beautiful, the only blood family he had left. She'd always mothered him and he always complained, but he loved her to death. His sister was the strongest person he knew. She'd offered to stay behind in his place. He should have let her. She would have been able to take it better. She wouldn't be crumbling at the loss of company so soon. She would be strong, would be the most suited for ignoring any darkness, would be the only one who could truly fight off the inevitable depression.

Marco and Jean. Eren always acted like he hated Jean, but they were closer friends than they let on. Jean was a horse-faced bastard, but he was also loyal and honest. Marco was sweet, the peacemaker of the group, the one everyone got along with and adored. The two were so perfect for each other. They were a crucial part of the household. Eren didn't know how he'd survive without their typical bickering rituals.

Connie and Sasha were undoubtedly the life of the household. They were dorks and pranksters, neither having completed college, but both surprisingly smart when they needed to be. They were the comedy relief. Connie and Sasha were always the ones trying the hardest to keep everyone's spirits up this time of year, and Eren was sure they were doing so just as well down in Ohio with their other friends. Eren didn't have them to stave off the darkness.

How was he going to bear this time without all of them?

The loneliness hit him from nowhere. He barely had time to register it before a sob was forcing its way out of his mouth, tearing from his throat and bouncing off the tiles to be thrown back in his face. It was a pathetic noise, one that only reminded him how weak he was. How terrible of an idea this was. He was barely making it, just two weeks along and it was taking everything in his power not to break down.

And then the loneliness was burrowing into his entire being, constricting his lungs and making it impossible to breathe, filling his stomach with dread that made him want to vomit. Panic laced through him as his breath came in short, rapid pants, and he felt like he just couldn't get enough air in his lungs. His knees buckled under him, and he slid down the wall to the tile floor of the shower.

They had left him. Left him in the terrifying dark, left him to be eaten away by the depression and loneliness, left him despite all the flashing warning signs, left him here by himself while they went and had fun somewhere slightly warmer and certainly brighter and a lot happier...

Eren didn't know how long he sat under the hot water and cried. He didn't know how many tears left him, or if it was all just the water hitting his face. He didn't know how loud his sobs had been, or how on Earth he had managed to pull himself out of his panic attack. All he knew was the water was freezing cold now, and it took intense effort from freezing, aching muscles to reach forward and shut it off. It took a shocking amount of effort to drag himself out of the tub and dry off, even when he groggily reminded himself about the dangers of hypothermia.

It took ages of standing in front of the mirror with unfocused eyes before he finally started to drag himself out of his room, and he didn't make it all the way. He made the mistake of glancing into one of the empty rooms, and spent the night clutching Armin's pillow to his chest, breathing in his scent and trying not to make a mess of tears on the sheets.

He barely registered someone on Skype calling him, calling, calling, calling...


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took so long
> 
> stress then more stress then birthday then stress again
> 
> Thank you so much to those who kept in touch with me during that time and kept me sane and dealt with my shit ilysm

 

"Psyche science . . . ?"

It took Eren much too long to remember that he had actually seen the name before. Hanji . . . wasn't it . . . ? So many messages. She did talk a lot . . .

psychescience: Hi Eren! It's Hanji. Levi is telling me you aren't answering his calls, aren't they coming through?

Eren's eyes widened slightly. Levi? Levi had been calling him? But he was on business, said they wouldn't be able to talk. Was something wrong?

psychescience: Eren, is something wrong? Are you mad at Levi for something? He said he didn't do or say anything but I know how he is.

psychescience: Please talk to me. Answer us, we're worried.

They were worried? Just because he didn't answer them? Because he fell asleep? But then again, he hadn't just innocently passed out on his laptop. So, hands trembling slightly from cold and hunger, he typed out a reply hours later, after ten plus worried messages.

titanicjaeger: I'm alright. Just fell asleep. Sorry for worrying you. Is Levi okay?

Eren opted for taking his laptop with him to the kitchen and opened the freezer. He stared blankly at the contents before finally reaching out and grabbing the frozen waffles. He padded over to the toaster, dropping two in and pushing down the plunger. He wasn't honestly sure if he was hungry or sick. Either way, Mikasa would be on his ass if he tried to skip out on meals, so he made the attempt.

Skype screaming at him had Eren nearly screeching and jumping about a foot in the air. He gave himself about half a second to calm down before he answered the call from psychescience, turning on his mic.

"Hello?" he answered wearily.

 _"EREN!"_ The screech was almost unbearably loud in the silent house, and Eren flinched away from the noise. _"Are you okay?!"_

"Hi to you too, Hanji," Eren muttered, grabbing his waffles and hunting for the maple syrup. "I'm fine, just making food."

A crackle of static signaled the woman sighing, and she was silent for a moment. _"What are you eating?"_ she finally asked.

"Strawberry frozen waffles." After pouring a generous amount of syrup over his food, he grabbed a fork from the drawer by the dishwasher. "It's all I really felt like making."

 _"At least you're eating, that's good,"_ Hanji said brightly, seemingly back to her usual self. _"You should have heard Levi last night. He was worried when you didn't pick up."_

"He was worried? He _called?_ " Sure enough, when Eren hurriedly clicked on his call history, there were a dozen plus missed calls from Humanitys-Strongest. Guilt flooded through him instantly, washing over him in a wave of shame. "But isn't he off on business?"

He could practically hear Hanji's shrug. _"He is, but it was the night of arrival, and he couldn't sleep. He thought you would be awake."_

 _I was,_ Eren thought miserably. "Sorry for worrying you guys. By the way, where is Levi?"

_"Over in New York, working on a gang case. They're breaking up a drug ring in the Bronx. Man, I wish I was over there with them..."_

"You wish you were in danger?" Eren asked, bewildered, though he was glad his friends weren't over in the Bronx. They were in Manhattan. "Wait, you're part of the S.W.A.T. team, too?!"

 _"I lead my own, kiddo,"_ Hanji told him, pride in her voice. _"But one of my members got messed up pretty bad last time we went out, and my arm is still healing."_

"Whoa, what happened? What were you doing?"

_"Went after a mafia group causing trouble in Nevada, got shot in the shoulder. Levi lost an entire team."_

Eren let out a low whistle. "Shit, how long ago was that?"

_"Two months ago - actually, less than that. His new team is capable, but it beat him up pretty bad to lose the last one."_

Eren froze at that, but Hanji kept talking.

_"Levi kept telling Erwin he couldn't have those three on his team, but Erwin told him they couldn't afford to miss an opportunity like that. They were all so in sync with him, his uncle and siblings. They all knew each other like they were one person. I think Levi still gets torn up about it sometimes. He has these days where he's . . . distant. There's nothing I can do for him those days."_

Eren swallowed hard. "What... what happened to them?"

There was a long silence, and Eren started to fear he'd asked the wrong thing. What if Hanji got angry? Worse, what if she told Levi he'd been nosy, and the man stopped talking to him?

_"I can't tell you. You'll have to ask Levi. But no matter what he says, it's not his fault, okay? That's a sore spot for him."_

Eren was startled by the soft, motherly tone Hanji used, and his heart ached for Levi. To think he always nagged and griped at the man, constantly picked on him and called him names . . . Levi, who had just lost his family not even two months prior. Levi, who still had bouts of darkness and depression. Levi, who blamed himself for the loss of his squad. Levi, who had been so concerned that something was wrong with Eren and had stayed up who knows how long worrying about him -

_"You alright? You got quiet there."_

"I'm . . . yeah. I'm okay. I have to go. Gonna - uh - take a shower."

_"Oh . . . alright. Don't hesitate to call if you need to, okay?"_

"Yeah."

With that, Eren pressed the end call button, and pushed his half-eaten plate of waffles away with a grimace. He needed to stop thinking about Levi, now. Needed to stop thinking about how the man lost his entire family in one day, possibly in a matter of minutes. Stop thinking about it, because it was too similar to his own memories, to the things he'd witnessed only years prior, the wounds that had scabbed over and never properly healed.

_"See this, Eren? This vein right here?"_

_He'd always known Grisha hated his life decisions, always known Grisha had hoped he'd become a surgeon, but never thought it would come this far. But then, something had come loose when Carla had died._

_"It's a very important vein, you know. If I make a small incision just here, I could bleed out in sixty seconds, did you know that?"_

_"Dad, don't!"_

_But it was too late._

Stop. Breathe. He didn't have to think about it. He just needed to breathe. Call Mikasa. Call Hanji. Distractions . . . they didn't work, the never worked. Eren gripped the edge of the marble counter top, trying to control his breathing even as horrifying images flashed through his head.

_"Sixty seconds, Eren."_

_"D-Dad, I don't - I don't know what to do! Please!"_

_"If you'd gone the route I wanted you to, you could save me. But you're a failure." Grisha's voice didn't raise. It was soft, impassive, even as he watched his son break down on the floor in front of him. "Fifty-three, fifty-two, fifty-one . . ."  
_

_"Dad, please!" Eren sobbed desperately, eyes wide and terrified. Tears poured unrestrained down his cheeks at the thought of losing another parent, at the knowledge that it was happening_ _right this fucking second._

_"Forty-seven, forty-six," Grisha continued calmly, ignoring his son's pleas. He slowly slid to the floor, voice paling at an alarming rate. "Forty-five, forty-four, forty-three -"_

_"Shut up!" Eren shrieked, covering his ears and squeezing his eyes shut. The silence was roaring, deafening, only punctuated by Grisha's monotone counting._

"SHUT UP!"

The line between memory and reality was blurring rapidly as he screamed into the silence, fingers gripping and twisting at his hair, yanking painfully in an effort to ground him in the present. It worked to some degree, smearing the images of blood and death-glazed eyes, impairing his view of them, but it was still there. He couldn't escape. The room was spinning in dizzying circles, and he realized with a jolt he couldn't breathe. What was wrong with him? His heart was beating faster than a frightened rabbits.

Deep in his subconscious, he knew what was happening, but then the world was fading to black and it didn't matter.

.-.-.-.-.

"-ren . . . Eren."

Eren jolted awake, only to be greeted by a clear blue sky and a gentle breeze on his face. Two young, concerned faces peered down at him, and Eren furrowed his brows, trying to recognize them.

"You ready to head back?" the blond one asked. Oh . . . Armin. It was Armin. Wait, Armin was back?

"What . . . what happened?"

"You fell asleep again," Mikasa scolded. Wait, Mikasa too? And why were they so small? "Come on, it's time to head home."

The weather in Alaska was gorgeous this time of year. Clear skies, warm sun, seventy degrees, soft breeze. Eren blinked up at his friends as the wind tossed his hair around his face, furrowing his eyebrows.

"When did you guys get back?" he asked groggily, rubbing at his eyes. The other two stared at him as if he'd grown another head.

"Were you dreaming?" Armin asked slowly. Eren cocked his head, moving to sit up. He was small, too? Remind him why that was weird, though . . . ?

"Yeah. I-I mean, I think so." Eren scratched the back of his head, thoughts muddled and not clearing no matter how hard he tried.

"Do you remember what it was about?" little Mikasa asked. Eren shook his head.

"I think . . . there was some guy and he was a cop, and there was this weird lady as his friend. And dad was . . . I think he cut himself. You guys weren't there. You guys were somewhere else, I knew where you were, but I can't remember."

"What happened to your dad?" Armin questioned. Eren squinted at him, trying to remember.

"What did happen to dad? I don't know. I'm forgetting more and more." Armin looked slightly concerned at that, but Mikasa shrugged.

"No sense in worrying over a dream," she said simply, helping her adoptive brother to his feet.

His memories were trickling away like water held in cupped hands, and soon, he had forgotten whatever he was trying to remember. "Yeah . . ." he mumbled. "Just a dream." He brushed off his pants, and then they were off, trekking through the gorgeous field.

When he halted in front of the old house, he realized with a jolt both of his friends were missing, and suddenly he was tall again, and when did he make it to his house? When had they vanished? Why was his childhood home here instead of the new one?

Something in the back of his head told him to stop worrying so much, and despite the terribly confusing state of mind he was in, Eren listened. He stepped up the creaking porch steps and pushed open the door hesitantly, calling out to the house's occupants.

"Mom, Dad, I'm home."

No response. The house was completely and totally empty, and the floorboards squeaked eerily when he stepped into the living room. So quiet. So lonely. Why did he feel as though he'd experienced this loneliness before?

A sudden rattling from the closet under the stairs had his heart nearly tearing from his chest in sudden terror, and he scrambled away from it, landing rather ungracefully on his ass. The doorknob rattled and muffled yelling reached his ears. Eren straightened up slightly at the latter, narrowing his eyes in concentration. Hadn't he heard that voice before-?

_Levi._

His mind whispered the voice so clearly, in such a shockingly tender tone that he had to double-take. But he couldn't dwell on it, because Levi was in there, possibly with something else, he was locked in and could be in trouble and he couldn't even wonder why the man was in his childhood home that, by all means, shouldn't even exist -

He threw the door open, and as predicted, a short man tumbled out. But something else followed, three nameless, faceless humanoid creatures, and they leaped on the man and tore at his face, his hair, his clothes. Eren knew in an instant they were Levi's family, his uncle and siblings that he'd once lost. He couldn't tell you where he'd learned the information, but he knew, and he knew he had to help.

"Get off of him!" Eren shouted, grabbing at the nearest one. Its skin squished and melded to his grasp, and he recoiled in disgust at the feeling just as it rounded on him. And just like that, his heart stopped.

It was his mother.

Pale, frail, and very dead. Her eyes were rolled into the back of her head, hiding the warm honey color he had always adored, had always clung to in the worst of times. Now they were concealed by flesh just as they had been concealed by hatred so many times, and he backtracked quickly as fear consumed his entire being. Her skin was deathly pale compared to once gorgeous skin like Eren's (which, at the moment, was looking quite pale as well) and she was thin, ragged, skin barely clinging to bones.

She looked just like she had the day he'd sat beside her, held her hand as she glared at him with sightless eyes, and she'd whispered spiteful lines up until the moment she flat lined in the empty hospital room.

"Mom . . .?" he whispered hoarsely.

She didn't respond. Fingers with nails like talons dug into his biceps, and a sharp cry rent the air as blood welled up in the long scratches left behind.

"Eren . . . you disappointment . . . it should have been you."

A broken sob left his lips, and he clung to her shoulders desperately even as she continued to claw at his skin.

"I wish it had been me," he uttered as tears poured down his cheeks. He found himself repeating the words he always told himself to her, the words he said over and over, the lies he spat to himself to stop the self-loathing. "But it's not my fault, mom. It's not . . . so please, please leave me alone . . . !"

"It is," Carla Jaeger moaned in a ragged, miserable, scratchy tone, fingers digging in tighter and earning a shriek. "It is!"

"Leave me _alone!"_ Eren screamed, struggling to escape the grip, even as her nails sank into his skin. "Leave me alone, you're dead! Just _stay dead!"_

And just like that, she fell limp against him. Eren stared at her, eyes wide with horror, as the halting realization hit him. He killed her. He wanted her dead, and she died. It  _was_ his fault. Eren slid slowly to the ground, the body atop him as he collapsed.

But before he could wallow in his misery, the body was heaved off of him, revealing a panting and disheveled Levi. Eren got a closer look, and found his breath was taken away from him.  _Gorgeous_ was the first word that came to mind. Drop-dead gorgeous. He was beautiful, stunning really, but at the same time, it was like every second trying to memorize his features was also spent forgetting them, for he couldn't get a clear picture of the man.

"Are you alright?"

It was just as he remembered. His mind could construct the man's voice at least, it seemed. Smooth like chocolate, dark like brandy, sweet like honey. His heart wouldn't stop beating . . .

"I'm . . . I'm fine."

He gave Eren a brief nod, and then he was backing away. Eren opened his mouth to ask where the man was going, but then another familiar figure came into view, one with long brown hair, glasses, and a tattered overcoat. 

"Dad?"

"See this, Eren? This vein right here?" Levi spoke, and the words chilled him to the bone, the words that were forever ingrained in his memory. Rather than Grisha, the short man was holding the blade this time, hovering over the crucial artery. "It's a very important vein, you know. If I make a small incision just here, he could bleed out in sixty seconds, did you know that?"

Eren could only stare in horror as Levi drew the blade across his father's flesh, slicing it open like it wasn't even there. The blood poured out like a waterfall, and just like before, Grisha dropped to his knees, wordlessly this time.

"Fifty-nine, fifty-eight." The words came from Levi this time. "Fifty-seven, fifty-six . . ."

Eren's heart rate was increasing rapidly, impossibly fast now. Grisha was paling rapidly. Blood was spreading on the floor, was covering Levi's hands, painted his lips when one finger tapped the smooth-looking skin mockingly, thoughtfully, as Eren's world crumbled around him, as his mind and heart twisted and writhed in agony.

"Three . . . two . . . one."

Eren didn't register that Levi was approaching until his chin was being tilted up gingerly, crimson liquid smearing and running down his neck at the contact. He tore his gaze from the unmoving body to stare into those piercing eyes, barely realizing how close they were. Then he was tasting something metallic as smooth lips pressed against his own in a gentle kiss, and by the time he knew to respond to it, Levi was pulling away.

Eren awoke screaming.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S 4AM AND I'M WIDE AWAKE
> 
> WAITING FOR MY THOUGHTS TO FADE
> 
> A FLICKERING OF ALL OF MY MISTAKES~
> 
> I am doing fine and dandy now my babies! There is a lot of symbolism in the dream, and if anything confuses you please feel free to ask me ^^
> 
> read, comment, bookmark, kudos! Ja ne~


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the wait
> 
> this chapter starts off somewhere before Eren wakes up to see his message and goes from there

"Well, aren't you just the very epitome of the term 'morning person?'"

Levi blinked blearily up at the man speaking to him, all tall, blond, and handsome. He realized with a jolt he'd been falling asleep in his chair and immediately set his face in a deep scowl, hoping to avoid any more teasing. His boss raised a thick eyebrow, looking rather amused, and a smile curved his lips as he watched his top captain uncurl himself from the seat.

"Go fuck yourself," Levi muttered sleepily, little venom in his tone as he stretched. He glanced around at his surroundings, and found he was still in the terminal, surrounded by his sleeping squad members with his boss seated to his left. He had a good half hour before his flight was scheduled, so he stood from his seat and ditched the blanket someone had thrown over him.

"Where are you headed?" Erwin asked in passing.

"Bathroom," Levi responded simply with a dismissive wave of the hand, rubbing his eyes groggily as he weaved through the seats.

Finally he found himself in the men's restroom, and he was half-dead as he took care of his business. He staggered almost drunkenly to the sinks, silently grateful that there was no one else in the bathroom. Levi made the mistake of glancing at his reflection as he washed his hands, and immediately his features twisted into a thin-lipped frown. He looked like hell. Bags deeper than usual, pale-faced and sullen. Once vivid silver eyes stared back a dull grey, sharp features looked thinner and more prominent from weight loss. His hair was getting long past due for cutting it. The clean-shaven bottom half had already grown nearly an inch and the rest was getting in his eyes.

He peered at his sullen reflection and wondered why he looked so malnourished. Come to think of it, when was the last time he'd eaten...?

The door swung open, and Levi didn't even bother looking until Erwin's amused voice reached him. "Did you fall in?"

"Piss off," the raven-haired man shot back groggily. He carded his fingers through his messy locks until they were tangle-free, raising his eyebrows at his employer's reflection. "What do you want, old coot? Were you hoping to see my dick? It's too late for that."

Erwin rolled his eyes, leaning against the outside of an empty stall as he watched Levi tug a hair tie off his wrist and put his bangs up away from his face. "Are you sure you're ready for this mission?"

"I'm sure. Stop asking, or I won't be."

"You look like hell."

Levi turned away from the mirror with a grimace. "I know I do. But I also don't make the same mistake twice. I wouldn't have come if I couldn't do it. Besides, they need me there."

"I know," Erwin sighed. He rested a hand on the shorter male's shoulder, concerned blue gazing into grey depths. "But if anything goes wrong, if you don't feel up to it, just give me the word."

"Of course."

A wordless agreement passed between them, a mutual understanding, a sense of respect and authority. Trust, Levi labeled it. An undying sense of trust, companionship, and faith in each other. They believed in one another. They were closer than just superior and subordinate, but old friends, past partners.

Two others were awake when they walked out, the broad-shouldered blond one stretching and rolling his joints, the other padding back sleepily from a terminal coffee booth, tousling his short-cropped black hair. A coffee cup was offered to the raven and he accepted it gratefully, too tired to care that it was watered down airport crap. Caffeine was caffeine.

"Should we wake the others?"

"Yeah, and get your stuff together, we should be boarding soon."

The two set to waking their obnoxiously snoring ash-haired companion, Oluo, while Levi returned to his seat to retrieve his carry-ons. He slipped the strap of his satchel over his shoulders and nudged the strawberry-blonde in the seat beside his. Petra curled up into a smaller ball, making an irritated noise, and fell still again. He snorted lightly and grabbed his holster from his seat, the gun already inside it, and nestled it safely in his waistband.

"Petra."

"Captain," was the sleepy reply.

"Don't make me say it."

A single honey-colored eye finally opened in a half-hearted glare. "Do your worst."

Levi snorted. "Fireman hold it is."

Petra didn't seem to believe him at first, but when he tried to wrap an arm around her middle, an ungodly shriek left her. She flailed wildly when he hoisted her up into the air; he found himself laughing when she managed to wiggle free, only to fall ungracefully face-first onto the ground. Petra glared darkly up at her captain, who returned her glare with an amused quirk of the eyebrow. Finally the woman relented and groggily reached for her purse to hoist it over her shoulder.

"You're so fucking loud," Oluo snorted, scratching at his undercut with a tired yawn. "We good to go, Commander?"

"Erwin off duty," the blond chided him, rolling his eyes. "And yes, if everyone is ready. The jet is waiting."

Boarding was always the same; they briefly showed proof of identity and badge and were assisted with luggage. They made themselves comfortable in the plush seats, Petra falling back asleep nearly instantly. Levi pulled out his phone and pulled up Skype before he had to turn it off, immediately clicking on the conversation with the brunet brat he'd been talking with the previous night. It looked like he wasn't awake yet, so he couldn't have a brief conversation before the flight. A soft sigh escaped him as he rapidly typed out a brief farewell, waited for it to send, and switched it to airplane mode. His head hit the seat with a dull _t_ _hump_ , and he dug the heels of his palms into his eyes.

"That sigh sounds like trouble," Erwin said, taking the seat next to him.

"Does it?" Levi mumbled in response, rubbing viciously at his eyes before finally glancing at his superior. Erwin was watching him with a gentle but knowing expression, one that the ravenet hated. Levi knew Erwin was aware of his inner turmoil. It was one thing he couldn't stand about his boss and old friend; his ability to read his underlings, especially Levi, was uncanny.

"What's bothering you?" the blond asked quietly.

"Nothing that will affect the mission," Levi responded simply. He didn't want to tell Erwin he was worrying over someone thousands of miles away. Someone he hadn't even really met. Someone whose face he'd never even seen. Besides, he was pretty damn sure he was right - in the heat of battle, he wouldn't exactly be focused on Eren.

"Are you certain?"

"Positive."

Something in his expression must have pushed Erwin into not believing him, because he pressed further, "If something is wrong, I'll pull you out. This is a dangerous operation, and I won't have you blaming yourself if something goes wrong and people get hurt. We can send Mike's squad in. It's alright."

"Just leave me alone," Levi snapped abruptly. "I think you've proven well enough that my mental state isn't part of your calculations, nor will it ever be."

The cabin was deathly silent after that, and naught a word was spoken for the rest of the flight, besides a clipped response from Erwin.

"Whatever you think is best. Just remember that you told me you were fine last time, too, and we all know how that turned out."

.-.-.-.-.

titanicjaeger: Sorry, if I'd been up, I would have wished you good luck. Don't die out there, alright? I don't know if you'll even see this, it could be three weeks, it could be never. I'm hoping for the former.

He had an hour or so to talk while they settled in the hotel rooms, and Levi was probably too excited to see that the message had been about half an hour ago. The brat was awake, no doubt wasting time on some chat site. A sense of relief washed over the ravenet, and he tapped the call button. He could at least check up on Eren before he had to go to the meeting - not to mention the kid's humor would help him calm down after the tense atmosphere of the flight.

Ring, ring, ring . . .

That was strange. Eren never took so long to pick up. _Bathroom,_ Levi figured with a small shrug, and he tossed his phone on the bed while he changed, thinking nothing of it. Once he was out of his t-shirt and jeans and into a pristine dress shirt and tie, he made the attempt again.

Still nothing on titanicjeager's end. Levi's brows knitted together, and he stared intently at the phone as he pressed the call button again. Online, but inactive. Shower, maybe . . . ? Asleep? But no, Levi had woken him with a Skype call before . . .

_"Depression and suicide rates skyrocket during the months of darkness, you know - "_

With the realization came the unfathomably frigid drop in the atmosphere. He pressed the call button again, impatiently tapping his foot as it kept ringing, ringing, ringing to no avail. With each ring was another degree that had fallen, another painful stab of panic. Another agonizingly slow ring, ringing, ringing, the sound low in his ears compared to his thundering, steadily increasing heart rate.

_Answer me, damn it!_

Thirty seconds had never lasted an eternity before.

_Fucking answer me!_

The call then dropped, almost as quickly as the atmosphere, and there Levi stood, staring blankly at his phone screen. His thoughts caught up to him not a second later, and fear spiked in his heart as Hanji's words repeated in his head, over and over. He fought down the urge to panic as his thumbs rapidly exited the application and typed out a memorized phone number. He fought down the irrational fear of another call dropping and tapped his foot anxiously.

"Yo, shorty!" Hanji chirped, the line crackling with what sounded like wind noise. "Don't you have a meeting soon? What's the problem, short-baby?"

"It's Eren," Levi responded, and he cringed at how strained and desperate his voice sounded, fighting to push down the panic.

Hanji's tone changed instantly, low and concerned. "What happened?"

"I don't know. He isn't answering me."

"Do you think you're overreacting?"

It wasn't accusing or skeptical. It was to help her evaluate the situation, and he knew it. Taking a deep breath, he replied, "I don't know. It doesn't feel right. I don't know what it is, but I have a bad feeling."

"I'm guessing you don't have the time to wait for him?"

"I don't. Can you check on him?"

"Of course, Levi." This was why he knew he could rely on her; she knew when to draw the line, when teasing should be stopped in favor of seriousness. "I'll keep you updated. Don't get distracted. I'll handle it."

And he believed her when she said that. "I know you will. Thanks. I'll talk to you later."

 _Click_.

Levi took a few deep breaths, straightened his tie, and checked his watch. He supposed he should be heading out. With one last backward glance at his phone, laying innocently on the sheets, he headed out the door.

.-.-.-.-.

"We're honored to have you," NYPD Chief of Police Nile Dawk greeted them curtly. He nodded stiffly at Erwin. "Please, have a seat."

Chairs shuffled about, and Levi found many eyes on him as he chose his spot to Erwin's right. He supposed he certainly had a reputation at this point, but this was ridiculous. Eight meetings in, a week and a half of planning, and the newest members of the NYPD SWAT team still stared at him like he was some sort of god. Not only was it unprofessional and showed him just how green they were, it made him extremely uncomfortable.

He was supposed to be helping these people. Leading these newbies into battle. These _kids_. They shouldn't be worshipping him. They should be fearing for their lives. Soon, they would realize the gravity of the situation. Inevitably, some, if not all of them, would die. And they would hate them for the rest of their lives.

The thought brought an old, familiar pain in his chest, and when he made a displeased noise in the back of his throat, Petra and Erwin both shot him concerned glances. He waved them off, glaring at the table and waiting for the feeling to fade.

"It's been a long week of strategic planning and explanations with our various criminal experts, as well as our undercover agents." Nile got straight down to business. "I would like to thank you all profusely for working with us on this case, even if some of you may have been a little . . . difficult."

At this, he shot a pointed glance at Erwin. Levi barely stopped himself from snorting. Ever since their welcome - or rather, lack thereof, as proven by the NYPD's blatant ignorance when it came to hospitality - Erwin had been busy expressing his distaste. It came mostly in the form of nitpicking; Nile would express a plan of attack or an opinion on how to smoothly run an infiltration, and Erwin would instantly pick apart the decision and scorn Nile's lack of thought process.

Full frontal attack? Are you fucking retarded? We don't have enough men for that. We don't know what we will be facing. Hell, they could attack them from the windows. They would be unguarded from attack from inside.

Through the windows? The only way to do that silently includes tools too bulky and inconvenient to carry with them.

Helicopter? Really? Did you think at all for that one?

Well, perhaps Erwin wasn't so rude, but Levi could tell that was what he was thinking. Just because he wasn't as verbal about it didn't mean Erwin wasn't just as vulgar as Levi.

"I fail to see the relevance of said statement to the current situation," Erwin said blandly. "We have not yet completed the mission, nor have our officers done much at all. We're wasting precious time here."

"Yes, well," Nile said, flushing slightly. He cleared his throat, lacking a response, and went on as if Erwin hadn't spoken. "I'm afraid we don't have much time left. We have to speed up the process. One of our inside sources has informed us the leader of the drug ring and his top smugglers and masterminds are relocating soon. Where, no one but them knows. We won't have time to practice much, so we need to put forth our all."

Levi found himself nodding along with everyone else. Nile cleared his throat once again and rolled a map of the target building out, Erwin tracing marked routes with the pad of his forefinger. Routes that had been imprinted on the squads' minds, every twist and turn memorized so as to avoid the smallest slipup.

"As previously stated, squad Dreyse will come in through the southern exit. Our source should be there at exactly 21:03. They will be wearing the previously described outfit and waiting for your signal. He will give you a spare key to that exit, and you are to lie in wait after that until you are given word from Ackerman's squad.

"Levi, your squad will be at the building to the west."

Levi nodded vaguely, and he could picture the building clearly. They had purchased a nearly identical setup for training purposes that they had traversed, and they had pulled up satellite views of the target buildings. He could imagine his squad with him, huddled together at one of the doorways, the one that faced the main building.

"The patrol will approach at around 20:50. You must lure the two to three men into the abandoned building, and kill them as silently as possible."

Gunther and Eld would likely be the ones to perform that action; their large, beefy hands could snap something as fragile as a neck in an instant without the victim making any noise. He'd seen it before, the way a man's eyes would go wide and fearful, how their Adam's apple would bob as if about to speak, only to be cut off before it could come out.

It was odd. He'd never seen Gunther or Eld in action. Not like that, anyways. They'd only done the smallest of jobs since Levi's last big mission. So why could he picture it so clearly . . . ?

"Ackerman, are you paying attention?" Nile suddenly snapped. Levi's eyes flew open, and his mouth immediately moved to hurl a vulgar retort at him, but Erwin cut him off.

"Chief Dawk, I would appreciate if you didn't interrupt my officer's concentration," the blond said coldly, with the first hint of emotion Levi had seen him speak with towards Nile the entire trip in New York. "Ackerman has been given special training from his days as a special officer in our armed forces. I can assure you, he is paying utmost attention. Now, if you'll excuse me."

Nile gave him a withering glare, but did not retort, so Erwin continued.

"Ral will pick the lock of the entrance closest to you, as our source has promised the room will be cleared. Once you have made it inside, you will radio squad Dreyse your status. The colors and their meanings have been discussed."

The daydream returned just as vividly as before. A bright ginger head was visible even in the dark, crouched before a rickety door as two men guarded the alley. But that red hair was darker than Petra's, and those men didn't fit the description or build of any in Levi's squad. A thumbs up was sent their way and they entered the dilapidated old building, one of the two men radioing the accompanying squad on the other side of the building.

"Once inside, you must keep lookout for any members, and kill them as silently as possible to avoid raising an alarm for as long as possible while you make your way to the target . . . "

Erwin's voice was starting to fade to nothing, which was unusual for these times, but Levi couldn't seem to tune back in. Was he falling asleep? He could still see those bushy red pigtails, and he could make out the grizzled face of the man next to him.

 _"Izzy!"_ the other male hissed at the girl, and a shiver ran down Levi's spine. He froze up completely when the familiar voice continued. _"Fall back, you dolt!"_

Isabel paused and waited for her squad to catch up. She shot Farlan a pout, who beat it down with a stern glare. Levi felt something akin to appreciation that she could bring humor in such dire conditions, but Farlan was right: they had to stay deathly silent here and stick together.

Kenny brought them to a halt. Their uncle made a few hand gestures, and the rest of them understood. Two men in the nearest room, one facing the doorway, both openly armed. Levi's hand reached for a stone in his pocket in response without him telling it to. He fished it out and threw it a distance down the hallway, listening to it clatter in the silence. Immediately the two men gave hissed swears, ducking out of the room to investigate the noise.

Isabel was on them in an instant, wielding two knives that she drove into the napes of their necks. They could only give gurgles as they collapsed in the hallway. Farlan and Levi were there in an instant to cushion the fall, in case anyone else was around to hear them hit the floor. After a bit of scouting from Kenny while they dragged the bodies away, it was revealed the hallway was completely empty.

 _"You guys thinking what I'm thinking?"_ Kenny muttered in that hoarse growl. It seemed any voice from his past made Levi freeze up, his muscles tensing of their own accord. He shook off the feeling as Farlan spoke.

 _"It feels like a setup,"_ he agreed.

 _"We have to go through with this,"_ Levi heard himself say. He had no control over his voice, even as every fiber of his being screamed that they should turn and leave right that second, squad Zoe be damned. _"You heard Erwin; this may be our only shot."_

 _"You're right,"_ Farlan agreed begrudgingly, and Levi wanted to scream. No! He wasn't right! They needed to leave, and now! But he couldn't say any of it. _"We'll press on. Keep a sharp lookout."_

Those were the words that brought everything crashing down as a gunshot resounded, and Kenny collapsed. The blood poured from his throat, his jaw moving in an effort to make speech, his last words, but he managed nothing and eventually stopped moving altogether, his eyes wide open in perpetual shock.

 _"At last,"_ a voice said, creeping and familiar, even if flashback Levi had never heard it before. _"I've been expecting you, little friends."_

Levi's eyes snapped open once more, a choked noise leaving him in place of a scream as he jolted upright. Every pair of eyes turned to him, most confused. Silver immediately searched for the piercing blue of Erwin's eyes, and the concern there was shocking.

"Levi." Erwin's voice cut through the deafening roar of rushing blood in Levi's ears. The tunnel vision threatening to swallow his view completely receded when he locked eyes with his superior, that calming gaze grounding him somewhat. The blond's voice wasn't formed in a question to anyone that heard it, but the look was enough to portray the questions swirling in Erwin's mind, the main one asking if he was alright.

"Need some coffee," Levi muttered. "Your boring voice was lulling me to sleep. Fill me in later."

Nile started to stutter out a question, but Levi could no longer hear. His heart was too loud. His vision was starting to go dark again, and it took all his strength to make it calmly out of the meeting room. No sooner had he made it to the break room than he was gripping the counter like a lifeline, knuckles white with the effort of keeping him upright.

Deep breaths. Slow. Calm your heart . . .

The familiar tune of beeps the tapping of Hanji's number brought was somewhat calming. He held the device up to his ear and was relieved when the call was nearly instantly answered.

_"You're supposed to be in a meeting."_

"I know."

Hanji's voice changed in an instant. _"Levi, you sound shaky. What happened? Is everyone okay?"_

"Everything's fine, shit glasses. Have you heard from Eren? I haven't been able to check anything."

The brunette picked up on his intentions immediately. Sighing slightly, she humored him, knowing how calming and grounding a simple conversation could be for him. _"He's okay. Since you've been gone, he mostly just sleeps. I don't think he's doing too hot but he isn't doing bad, either. Are you sure you're all right? What happened, Levi?"_

"I'm glad to hear that." Levi paused. He could see the break room now, the details clearer now. His head wasn't spinning, either, and Hanji's voice was clear. "Nothing happened, Four-Eyes. I ran away from that boring meeting, I swear my brain was fucking melting. Erwin and Nile have been pulling the hairs of each other's asses this entire visit. It was funny at first, but now it's just getting ridiculous."

_"Sounds like something Erwin would do."_

Before Levi could reply with a report of the bullshit he'd been hearing the past two weeks, Erwin himself poked his head into the room. Upon seeing Levi, he entered the room, asking, "Who's on the phone?"

"None of your business, asshole," Levi replied with no real venom, rolling his eyes. He turned away from Erwin to make it clear he was speaking to Hanji. "Gotta go. Keep me updated on him."

_"Aye, aye!"_

Levi ended the call just as her voice stopped, but didn't take his eyes off the screen. His eyes traced the simple factory design, his wallpaper unchanged since he got the device. He knew Erwin expected his attention. He knew the questions that were coming, and he didn't want to answer them. He didn't want that conversation.

"Levi." The ravenet gave a simple grunt in response, and Erwin sighed. "Look at me."

Levi rolled his eyes before locking gazes with Erwin, attempting a glare. It was difficult when those eyes held nothing but concern. "What?"

"Tell me what happened earlier."

"I fell asleep."

"Liar."

The word made him flinch. The accusation reminded him of prior times he'd heard it, spoken in a harsh tone as the owner of said voice asked him the same question, over and over. He could feel his wrists burning and rubbed them idly, grimacing.

"You saw them, didn't you?" Erwin queried, that voice saying he knew already. Telling Levi he knew everything. That it was obvious. Hopefully not to anyone else, Levi thought.

"So what?" he snarled defensively. "It doesn't mean anything."

"It's okay if you still need time," Erwin told him. "If you push youreself, your mind will deteriorate, and you'll always be reminded of what happened. Do I need to send you back home? Mike's squad can always come up here."

"I see," Levi spat. "It isn't concern for me. You want your pawns in perfect condition."

Erwin's eyes narrowed at the accusation. "If you want to see it that way, be my guest. Just answer me this: can you go through with the operation?"

Levi's lips curled into a disgusted frown, and he turned away, pulling a styrafoam cup from one of the cabinets. "My mental condition is no concern of yours," he said stiffly, pouring coffee into the cup. "I can still sneak. I can still fight. I can still kill."

Erwin took the coffee pot from him as Levi downed the substance with no additives, the blond pouring his own cup.

"Then I'll trust you. Failure is not an option, Levi."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote a 6k oneshot of foursome smut if anyone is interested
> 
> also if you enjoy this fic at all, you should thank Sorkari, my only inspiration nowadays
> 
> also i 100% recommend following him and reading his fics that is some amazing shit right there


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I posted a new multichapter fic titled The Making of an Alpha. It is eruri, and basically a vampireAU/omegaverse baby. I would appreciate if you all would check out my attempt at an eruri fic ^^

"I just don't know why it would have happened out of nowhere," Levi found himself saying for the hundredth time, running a hand through his hair.

"It is rare," Hanji agreed calmly, patiently.

"I've had missions before this. I've heard gunfire, I've watched innocents die."

"But you haven't had such rough missions since what happened," Hanji reiterated. Again and again she'd found herself saying it, growing weary of the words. If it was anyone but Levi, she'd have given up long ago. "You've only been sent into the field for spur of the moment jobs; things like defusing a homemade bomb or settling a hostage crisis. You haven't had a big job like this."

"But those are more intense than a damn mission briefing," Levi said, bewildered. "So why now?"

"It's very simple, Levi. The stakes are high again and the infiltration is very similar to before. Your mind naturally pulled up a memory from the similarities and replayed it." So many times she had attempted explaining PTSD to someone. It made sense that Levi, of all people, would have a hard time coming to grips with showing signs of the disorder.

"Why would something so calm trigger such a flashback?" Levi questioned. "Mission briefings are all similar; why wouldn't any prior ones trigger something else I struggled with?"

"My only guess would be that you simply got over it," Hanji replied with an air as if she was shrugging. "We cannot predict or categorize what our brains process as better or worse, overwhelming or not. We can't control it. And probably the worst part is that we can't control our triggers.

"One of the most common forms of post-traumatic stress disorder is what I like to refer to as the deja vu; the smallest, most remote similarity to a situation - the smell of something or the feeling of something against your skin, even a noise, for example - throws the victim back in time to when the traumatic incident occured."

Levi sounded almost distressed when he asked, "So you're saying that's the type you think I have?"

"It's certainly likely. For you, all it took was your brain piecing together that, like before, you had to intercept a patrol and pick your way into a building. It isn't yet understood why the human mind will insist on dragging its host back to one of the worst moments of their life, but we have found methods of how to control it, even without medication."

"So there's that going for me, at least," Levi sighed. He finally stopped pacing about his small hotel room and sat down on the bed, rubbing his face tiredly. He didn't have the time or energy for this. "I guess you are helpful sometimes, shit-for-brains."

"You're welcome," Hanji replied airily. "Now, you've got a practice to be at, don't you?"

"You make it sound like high school football," Levi snorted. "Talk to you later."

"Later, short-stack."

Click. Beepbeepbeepbeep -

Levi grabbed his duffel bag of equipment and shouldered it, leaving his phone on the nightstand. Just as he shut the hotel room door behind him, a small chime went off, signaling a text message from an unknown number.

.-.-.-.-.

The purchased building was every bit identical to the structure they would be infiltrating in two days, and Levi hated how similar it was to a building he'd been in before. But during sessions like this, he knew how to focus; attention to detail was crucial, and he valued his life and job. He had training under his belt, tactics on staying focused on the task at hand and letting nothing bother him enough to get in the way.

They had already taken out the mock guard, and Petra was fiddling with the lock. The door creaked open, and they all cringed as sentries were alerted. Oluo snuck forward and took the two out with a sheathed hunting knife, the mock guards startled at the surprise attack. "Mock" wasn't really a good word for it; this was a replica of the operation, with trained men acting as the targets, and the weapon requirements being blank rounds, sheathed blades, and flash bombs in place of normal, lethal weaponry. Everything was free game, and the opposing sides may as well have been out for each others' blood.

Most of the drill was a blur, a system of search and kill, cat and mouse. An intricate dance, because he knew the movement of their stand-in criminals, and he was just doing his part as a small cog in the well-oiled machine. It didn't get interesting until they made their way to the "leader's" office, where they had to be on guard. They didn't know how many men there would be, and they were the highest-ranked and trained officers the NYPD had.

Levi led the way to the rendezvous point, which was the room just before their objective. He spotted Hitch's strawberry-blonde hair in an instant and found her squad had reached the point before his and cleared the room. They glanced down the hallway to their destination, and Hitch nodded to Levi, giving full control over to the more experienced officer.

The ravenet signaled for stagger formation, and then they were moving down the completely barren hallway. Eld was behind Levi and to the left, and behind him to the right was Marlo, and so on. They kept crouched, ready to spring into action as Levi stood, preparing to kick the door open.

When he did, it was chaos, but he spotted the "leader" instantly, marked by the shirt he was wearing. The man ducked behind his desk, and then there was gunfire all around.

The office was huge, and every potted plant and filing cabinet alike was being used as cover. The officers were at a severe disadvantage, with only three of them finding cover in the room, and the rest falling back behind either side of the doorway. Gunshots resounded in the room, and Levi winced. The blanks weren't any quieter than real bullets.

When he glanced in to look for cover, three of the opposing men were down, meaning two were left. Gunther was playing dead and Hitch had switched to her left hand, telling Levi they must have been hit by blanks. As the observation registered, as if on cue, Hitch went down, as well as the remnants of her team.

Levi's stomach churned dangerously at the sight, and he pushed down flashes of another time, dashing in and taking Hitch's place. Unlike the hallway, here he could do damage. He fired once and took the remaining lackey out with a shot to the face, and as the leader ducked out to take a shot, another headshot from Levi sent him down.

There was a moment of silence, and everyone waited for Levi's word, but it didn't come. The "dead" people were forced to wait as Petra, one of the only survivors, stepped forward to see what had happened. She found her captain standing over the stand-in, breathing heavily with his finger on the trigger and barrel still pointed at his target's head. Petra inched closer.

"Captain?"

A small jolt ran through his body, and suddenly he was holstering his gun, stepping away from the body.

"Clear," he stated, and nobody noticed the tremor in his tone or the way he rubbed his wrists among everyone standing and brushing themselves off.

After all, if he'd just seen ghosts from his past, if he'd just recalled memories of enchainment and torture - so long as it didn't affect the mission, who had to know?

.-.-.-.-.

"Levi, you told me you were fine."

"And I am," the ravenet responded stubbornly. He checked the magazine and shoved it in the gun, then back in the thigh holster. He repeated the process with the one he kept on his left side as Erwin watched, thick eyebrows furrowed.

"Then what happened during the simulation?" his boss asked accusingly, narrowing his eyes further when Levi continued by checking his knives.

When he started to strap his vest on, it became clear Erwin was being ignored. Levi slid on his earpiece and headed to the door as if Erwin had said nothing and opened the door to leave.

"Levi, don't you dare walk out on me."

It happened so fast Erwin wouldn't have caught it if he hadn't worked with Levi before. The hand on the ravenet's wrist stopped him for only a split second, as he was quick to tear away from the grasp and let out a feral snarl. Nobody else except perhaps Hanji could have caught the vulnerability that flashed in his eyes, because as soon as it was there, it was gone, replaced with cold anger.

"I'm fucking fine, you dense moron," he growled. "Keep asking me and I'll shove my foot so far up your ass you can taste the hands of the Chinese children that made these shitty boots."

"Levi," Erwin started warningly, but he was interrupted by the ravenet.

"We're waiting on you for finalization, Smith," Levi said coldly, pushing Erwin towards the hotel door. "So get out there and do your job."

Levi was right, and Erwin knew it. The moment the blond was out of the hotel, however, the ravenet was happy to slam the door behind him. But before he could sit and stew on his anger, his thoughts were interrupted by a familiar ringing noise.

titanicjaeger: Hanji says your operation is tonight. I hope you do okay. Message me whenever you can, okay?

In the future, Levi would scold himself for diving for his phone so quickly. But in that moment, he didn't care. His thumbs flew across the keyboard, and his response was short.

Humanitys-Strongest: Video call?

He'd made up his mind. He didn't have time to type out responses and read them, anyways. He wanted to see that the brat was okay for himself. And, he thought as he set the phone on its stand and sat in front of it, this may be his last mission. Their last chance to talk. He would be lying if he said he wasn't curious.

titanicjaeger: uwah give me a second

_titanicjaeger calling . . ._

_Accept._

The image winked into existence, with an apprehensive look on sea-green eyes being the first thing Levi saw. Half of his face was hidden by a blue pillow, which the boy was clutching to his chest. Those eyes widened when he caught sight of Levi, and his face transformed to one of awe, and Levi couldn't help the small flush that formed at being gawked at like that.

Beautiful was the first word to pop into Levi's mind, and he was lucky that his voice wasn't working to say it. Eren didn't seem to be so lucky, however.

"Holy shit, you're gorgeous."

Tan cheeks suddenly flushed a beautiful pink, and he hid his face so that all Levi could see was the mop of fluffy brown hair. It looked so soft. If only Levi could touch it, just to check.

"I know I am," Levi said smugly, easing the tension. "Not such a gross old man, am I?"

"Don't get ahead of yourself," Eren grumbled, rubbing his face wearily before finally peeking out at Levi and giving a skittish smile. "You're not that pretty."

"You're just resentful because you're jealous," Levi replied haughtily. The joking dropped not a second later, and he continued with a concerned, "How have you been? Are you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm okay," Eren answered, and it didn't sound burdened like Levi expected. "Not super great, but okay. I'm more worried about you. Hanji said this case is dangerous."

"They're all dangerous, kid," Levi answered truthfully. Normally the words would make his stomach sink a bit, the dread settling in before he could clear his mind. But his mind was surprisingly clear. Perhaps it was the effect of being able to tell someone else, an outsider. Whatever it was, it was nice. "I've survived this long."

"Well, you had better survive this one, too," Eren told him sternly, like a mother hen. "You're not allowed to die, got it?"

"How reassuring," Levi said sarcastically, but it was. It was reassuring. Eren was acting as someone to live for, to come home to, even if they hardly knew each other.

Suddenly the bluetooth in his ear crackled, and he sighed.

"I have to go. Wish me luck."

"Don't die, old man."

"You're a fucking brat, you know that?"

Eren laughed, and the sound could have stopped a baby's tears. "I know. Now go on. I'll be here when you get back."

A pounding on his hotel door made Levi hang up instantly, and he answered the door to find Gunther and Eld waiting for him.

"Let's go, boss. We're briefing in the van."

"Understood."

Maybe Eren was right. Maybe everything would turn out okay.

.-.-.-.-.

"Things always go wrong," Uncle Kenny had taught Levi, and he should have stuck to that philosophy. A stray bullet, a piece of glass in the wrong place, a foot skidding on loose gravel, an unexpectedly placed enemy. In this case, it was the last, and none of them were ready for it.

Petra had no choice but to fire, but Levi still held some form of resentment as the building became a hive of activity. Voices all around them, clamoring from every room, guns cocking and men shouting as they came to investigate. It was only a matter of time before they were overwhelmed.

"We heard the gunshots!" Ah, Levi had forgotten the two entry points were connected so closely. Hitch was beside him in an instant. "Looks like we're doing this the hard way, eh?"

"You sound excited," Levi commented dryly, counting his remaining bullets.

"We have faith in you, Captain Ackerman," Marlo said brightly, pressing his back to Hitch's. Levi's heart twinged at the gesture. They were close. Partners at least, maybe even in a future relationship. It was dangerous.

There was no use dwelling on it now, though. Levi shook his head and said, "That's retarded," before the first man rounded the corner.

Hitch's skilled aim impressed him for the split second he cared, and then there was an influx of attackers.

There was only one option: Fire, fire, and keep firing, before they had the chance to respond, and retreat as they did so. But it wasn't a perfect plan, and by the time they had boxes to hide behind, two of Squad Dreyse were already dead. By the time they all had spots to take cover, Gunther was down, clutching a bleeding thigh.

It was inevitable. There were no theatrics, nothing dramatic - this wasn't a cop drama. Officers dropped like rag dolls, and they had no time to dwell on their fallen comrades. Gunther couldn't crawl to safety, nor could anyone help him, as an onslaught of bullets flew his way and Petra learned the hard way she couldn't be a hero. Her brain was everywhere in half a second, and Gunther's chest was pierced straight through. The barrage of brass didn't stop until both bodies were limp on the floor, barely recognizable as human, with gore splattered everywhere.

Levi chanced to poke out and make two precise shots, instinct shooting his way through two hostiles as shots rang from behind him as well. He ducked out of the way just in time to dodge a bullet aimed at his face, but Oluo wasn't so lucky, taking brass straight through the face. A wince was all Levi gave as three of his squad members died in roughly twenty seconds total before he dared to peek out again.

It was inevitable, he kept telling himself. They would all die, or at least, that was what he needed to expect. Levi had seen enough people die, time and time again, and he knew the fragility of human life. But just as the lives of his comrades were fragile, so were those of his foes, and he bounced back from those deaths with a vengeance.

"Captain Dreyse!"

When had Eld gotten up like that? When had the other squad gone down to two members? When had Marlo sustained that shoulder injury?

When had Hitch decided to commit suicide like that?

"Hitch!" Marlo shrieked, dropping formalities in his desperation as she raced down the hall with one of her dead teammates as a meatshield. She pulled the pin from a grenade with her teeth before rushing into the group of men before her, Eld straight behind her.

What did he hope to accomplish? Did he think he'd save her by taking her from all that? That they could run from both the blast and the bullets at that distance? But then again, grief and anger makes one stupid and reckless.

Levi could only watch as the explosion came, could only duck when the fiery plume approached, could only listen to Marlo scream and cry.

It was always the same. Levi clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, allowing himself a second of grieving while the smoke cleared. So many people he'd led to their deaths. So many of them, so young and full of hope. So many crying and broken, and not given mercy from cruel fate.

He couldn't save any of them.

Marlo's whimpers reached him suddenly, and everything else came to a screeching halt. No. He could save this one, at least.

"H-Hitch . . . no, G-God, Hitch . . . "

The smoke was still clearing. Levi could make out bodies crumpled on the floor, and a few coughing and trying to stand. Nine bullets in one mag, eight in the other, a fully loaded AR on his back.

Levi would make up for their deaths. He'd avenge everyone that died there that day. And he'd live for them. Eren, too.

He wasted no time in delivering headshots to those closest to him in the fading grey cloud. He had to be quick, before they gained their bearings. The deaths were fast, just as anticlimactic as those of his teammates. His friends.

Levi didn't even register the red crawling over his vision as he abandoned his empty pistols and pulled the rifle strap over his head. The stock rested comfortably between arm and torso as he squeezed the trigger and held it, bullets flying without halt. Sick satisfaction came with every sickening crack, every wet gurgle that he could barely hear over the thunderous noise.

And there was the leader, raising a pistol at him. He fired once, twice, both in the stomach, before a bullet was going through his skull in the most insignificant death of them all.

Another bullet, then another, then another. One for every fallen comrade. One for every pulse of pain in his heart, and now the open wound in his gut. But there weren't enough bullets for that left, weren't enough in the first place.

Finally, lafter several moments of silence, after dozens of empty clicks from the gun, he was falling, falling into the blissful abyss that had claimed eight friends that day and countless foes, and he dimly registered Marlo's frantic commands before the blackness swallowed him whole.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh...
> 
> happy new years?
> 
> people portray levi as this emotionless guy and like... hes not emotional... but he does have them, yknow? especially in this universe man, hes been through some shit, so hes gonna feel some feels sometimes guys

"Check his vitals."

"How is he?"

"His pulse is weak -"

"What are the damages?"

"Sir, we can't really tell when you're -"

"Are there any other survivors?"

"Nile, if you don't back the fuck off and let search and rescue do their job, Marlo is going to be the _only_ survivor!"

 _Damn right,_ Levi thought idly when he heard Erwin's snapping tone. _Shove a spear up his ass and stick him over a fire._

It took him all of five seconds to register he was conscious, another two to feel the hands on him, and another couple for the pain to flare in his abdomen. Then he was screeching, an inhuman noise tearing from his throat as he began to flail, knocking the foreign limbs away from his wound and attempting to scoot backwards. He couldn't move. He resorted to covering the wound with his forearms, snarling viciously at the people kneeling around him.

"Where's Erwin?"

The ravenet's eyes darted around, vision blurred. The figures were faceless. He couldn't see - was going blind - had they given him something? Was he dying? His breath quickened, chest heaving, and suddenly the pain in his stomach was doubling, tripling, until he was crying out in agony.

"Hold him down!"

His limbs were being forced to the cold concrete. He couldn't move. The strength he'd been known for was completely depleted.

"Where is he?!" Levi demanded again, voice considerably weaker. "I know I heard him!"

"Levi!"

A ray of hope. The voice he knew so well, sounding relieved.

"Administering tranquilizer!"

His muscles relaxed nearly instantly, and his eyes rolled into the back of his head as the world went black again.

.-.-.-.-.

Eren awoke to a black world, gasping for air and heart pounding, feeling as though the organ would tear out of his chest. He grasped blindly in the dark for the switch to his lamp. When light finally flooded the room, breath finally filled his lungs properly, and his heart started to calm from his dream.

Light. Amazing how something so simple was so soothing. So taken advantage of so often by so many people elsewhere.

Eren ran a shaking hand through his hair and idly noted he needed a shower. He couldn't even remember the details of his dream. What could possibly affect him so badly? What could bring him to such a panic upon awakening? And yet he knew he shouldn't question it, shouldn't try to remember. He didn't want to remember. It would only make things worse.

How long had it been now that he had been suffering chronic nightmares? Days? Weeks? How long had it been dark? How long since he had spoken to his sister or friends? To Levi?

Levi. The realization hit him like a brick wall. He checked his phone in slight panic. Just when had he gone to sleep? How had it been nearly two days since he called? How long was he awake before he passed out? All he could remember was the concern keeping him awake, and then . . . and then what? Why was it he could only remember a few hours after their conversation? Their brief conversation where Levi had not so reassuringly reassured him, and they . . . they . . .

They got to see each other's faces for the first time.

It probably shouldn't have interrupted his concerns, but it did. Eren should have been more focused on other more concerning things, but he couldn't help it. He wished he had tried to memorize the features, rather than gawking like a fool, but he couldn't forget those eyes or the way those jet-black locks fell over them. He remembered the feeling of being mesmerized. He remembered how warm his cheeks had been, and they were heating up now.

Eren didn't believe in love at first sight, but crush at first sight? Let's just say he wasn't opposed to hearing more of that voice saying his name and watching those smooth lips move. But he wouldn't ever get that if Levi died, and Eren found his heart dropping immediately. The mission would be done by now, but would Levi be available if he was alive? _Was_ he alive?

The answer hit him suddenly, and he felt so stupid for not thinking of it before panicking. Hanji. Hanji would know. He'd never pulled up Skype so quickly.

_"Eren. I was about to call."_

She picked up on the first ring, as always, but the greeting was much less exuberant than usual. The woman sounded tired, distressed even. The relief that had hit him moments before was smothered instantly with concern that made his stomach churn.

"How's Levi?"

A burst of static that signified a heavy sigh, and then, _"Stable, now."_

"Stable?" Eren echoed, the feeling of dread intensifying. "Hanji?"

 _"He was shot in the stomach twice."_ Her voice shook, and she sounded as though she was about to cry. _"We almost lost him."_

"But he's okay now, right?" Eren asked hopefully. "Stable is good, right?"

 _"It is good,"_ Hanji confirmed. Her voice still quavered, but she seemed to be composing herself quickly from that moment of weakness, as though it hadn't happened. _"But there may be permanent damage. He'll live, but . . . "_

"But?" Eren pressed. The fear had just started to fade, and now it was back. "But what, Hanji?"

_"He might not ever walk again. One of the bullets was damn close to his spine; I was kicked out before they started operating, so I don't know what condition he's in."_

Eren was speechless for a moment. To lose mobility of one's legs . . . it sounded horrible. A terrible punishment for doing no wrong.

Swallowing dryly, the brunet asked, "You'll keep me updated, right?"

_"Of course."_

Silence was Eren's response, and Hanji made an effort at consolation.

_"They're going to do their best to save him, Eren. It'll be okay."_

Eren let out a shaky sigh. "I hope you're right."

 _"Look on the bright side, Eren. He's still going to survive, regardless. He's stable. He's okay. There's no damage to his brain."_ There was that, Eren acknowledged silently. Even if Levi's legs never worked, he was still going to live, and he would still be the same cranky asshole. _"And, hey, if he has to wheel himself around all the time, he's not going to be going out and risking his life anytime soon, you know?"_

"Hanji, that's morbid," Eren immediately scolded, but found himself laughing nonetheless. He was shocked at how nice it felt to laugh, how the tension from his shoulders relaxed and the anxiety overwhelming him lessened ever so slightly. He found he couldn't stop himself, and the giggles continued, despite Hanji's words having not even been funny.

 _"I'm serious,"_ she insisted, her cackling joining Eren's, and he realized she must have been experiencing the same emotions - probably more intensely, as Hanji and Levi were best friends. _"Oh my god, imagine him in a wheelchair, spitting threats and shaking his fists at everyone."_

"He'd probably try to run you over for laughing at him."

_"Oh, on the daily."_

It was nice, Eren realized, having someone there, talking and laughing with him. When was the last time he'd laughed? The last time he'd _let_ himself laugh? He couldn't remember. Had he really ever laughed with Levi? He didn't know. Had he last laughed with Levi? With his friends before they left? Far before that? He didn't know. But regardless, he was laughing now, and it felt amazing.

"Hey, Hanji - "

Just as Eren started to speak to thank her for the stress relief, she interrupted in an excited tone, speaking almost too quickly for the brunet to understand.

_"Erwin just told me I can go in! I'll get right back to you, okay? I'll message you with updates."_

"Oh," Eren found himself saying, eyebrows drawn together in confusion. It took him a moment to fully register what the woman had said, and then he was perking up, hardly managing his words without a stutter. "Oh! Yeah, go! Tell me everything, okay?"

_"I will! Be careful, Eren! Go shower and eat if you haven't already. I'll be right back!"_

How had she known? But then again, Hanji was stressed, too, and probably wasn't doing much of either herself.

"I will," Eren promised. "You too, Hanji."

 _"I will later,"_ she promised in return, and then she hung up.

Eren let his hand fall to his lap, and then he was falling back onto his bed, eyes sliding shut as he processed the information he was given. Levi was okay. Mostly. Maybe some spinal nerve damage. May lose use of his legs. Still okay. Still mentally fine. Still functioning. He was going to be alright.

With that knowledge fresh in his mind, Eren curled onto his side, wrapping himself up again in his blankets. He would shower and eat later; for now, he was going to shoot for sleep, while he was still calm and relaxed.

This time, he didn't dream.

.-.-.-.-.

Levi's return to consciousness was like waking up from an unplanned nap; he was groggy, dehydrated, and he didn't want to move or open his eyes. But there were voices to his left, and they kept him from falling back asleep, a constant drone in the room. Like an alarm clock he just couldn't reach, but he tried nonetheless, extending an arm out to grasp blindly at his bedside table.

"Levi?"

The drone lessened slightly, and for a moment, words were discernible. A hand held Levi's reaching one, and the ravenet furrowed his brows slightly, eyes still closed. Hands? On an alarm clock? What sort of drugs was he on?

"Levi, how are you feeling?"

Levi swiped at the foreign thing, and he could have sworn he felt a face and glasses under his hand. Dismissing it - confused as he was, he couldn't quite bring himself to care - he grumbled, "Shut up and let me sleep, you weird ass clock."

 _What a weird dream,_ he thought idly as he nuzzled back under the covers to drift off again. But then the alarm started up again, and he let out a mildly distressed grumble. Hadn't he hit snooze already? Fifteen minutes couldn't have passed yet, could it?

 _"Clock?_ That's a new one!" Finally the words were becoming comprehensible, and Levi gave an instinctual groan as the familiarity clicked. "Man, they must have had to seriously drug you."

"Shut _up,"_ Levi nearly whined, refusing to open his eyes. "I'm trying to sleep."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ackerman, but it's time for a checkup," an unfamiliar voice crooned, and he heard light footsteps and wheels creaking. "I'm going to need you to sit up, okay? Do you need any help?"

"Oh, fuck me," the ravenet croaked, cracking an eye open and wincing at the bright light. _Like r_ _ipping off a bandaid,_ he encouraged himself as he forced both eyes open. He took a few minutes to observe his surroundings before he realized where, exactly, he was, and uttered a quiet, "Oh."

"Surprise!" Hanji shouted, waggling her fingers. "You're in the hospital! Glad to know we're all on the same page now!"

The hospital . . . so he was badly hurt. The details of the mission were blurry, but he remembered death and gunfire. Things must have gone awry, and he was injured, but he only had one real concern at the moment.

"Was the mission a success?"

Hanji hesitated before answering, "The objective was completed."

"Ah," was the only response Levi had.

He knew what Hanji's phrasing meant: heavy casualties. Immediately, he recalled how Petra's head had literally exploded, and a spike of sadness pierced his heart. There was a possibility the others were alive, but not likely. Levi had learned not to hope for much. Had his entire squad died like that? An execution?

He shook his head slightly; he would mourn later. For now, he had his own health to worry about. Levi gripped onto the metal bars on either side of the bed to help hoist himself up. The nurse darted forward to help, but she was too late.

"Fuck my ass!" Levi ground out as pain exploded in his abdomen, and Hanji's cackles assaulted his ears. He immediately spat at her, "Go fuck a cactus!"

"I should have warned you," the nurse fretted as she helped Levi sit. "I'm so sorry! I'm sure that really hurts - "

"Bit of a fuckin' twinge, yeah," the man snapped, and Hanji laughed harder. Levi narrowed his eyes dangerously at her, snarling, "Shut the fuck up before I shove my foot so far up your ass you'll be the cripple!"

"Mr. Ackerman, please calm down so I can accurately take your blood pressure!" The nurse looked extremely nervous at all the threats. "And I highly advise keeping your feet out of Miss Zoe's bottom while you're still healing!"

Unable to control herself, Hanji's knees buckled and she grasped the bed railing, weak with mirth. Levi let himself fall back against the pillows the nurse had propped up, sighing slightly as his anger faded. He reached out and ground his knuckles against the top of his friend's head.

"You're a nut, you know that, Four-Eyes?"

"Well at least I'm tall."

"Shut the hell up." Levi held out his arm for the nurse to wrap the cuff around his bicep, and threaded the fingers of his other hand through his hair. "What other casualties were there?"

Hanji hesitated, but she knew there was no point in dramatizing it. "You entire squad died. Marlo was the only survivor of squad Dreyse. Marlo reports that you . . . you killed all of them. Every member in that gang. Then you shot the leader in the head, several times. You didn't stop until you were out of bullets."

She sounded oddly intrigued, wide brown eyes on his face, watching for a visible response. Levi sighed, closing his eyes as the nurse pulled off the cuff and pulled a stethoscope off a hook on the cart she'd brought in. "At least they're gone," he said. "The last thing we need is for them to regroup."

"That's what Erwin said, too," Hanji replied, watching with curiosity as the nurse pressed the tool to Levi's chest and listened. "Nile threw a fit over the casualties, but the job got done."

"I don't blame him," Levi said grimly, glancing at his lap guiltily. "That's a big sacrifice to make, even if it's for the good of humanity." There was no response, so he turned his focus to his stomach. "So what exactly am I looking at here?"

"Two 9mm rounds fired point-blank, to quote Marlo." Hanji shook her head, looking both bewildered and fascinated. "You shouldn't have survived, honestly, but you did. Not to say that's a bad thing or anything! I'm glad you lived."

Levi snorted. "Thanks." He prodded at the bandage around his abdomen experimentally. "Will there be any lasting damage?"

"Your stomach ruptured, but we got that fixed right up," the nurse piped in. "A few spinal nerves were damaged. We're not certain how that will affect you, nor how long. Can you move your legs?"

Apprehension crossed Levi's features, and suddenly he was hesitant. _Could_ he move his legs? Suddenly, he couldn't recall if he'd used them to push himself upright. First, he shifted his right leg; an odd tingle - like pins and needles - ran down the appendage, but he could feel and flex it. He bent his knee and rolled his ankle, just to be sure. The odd feeling persisted, but it faded into the background.

Then came the left. The room's occupants all held their breath. Levi furrowed his brows in concentration, and, breathing in deeply, commanded his muscles to move.

Nothing.

After several moments, his hands came up to cover his face, and he let out a shuddering breath.

"Levi . . . "

"Fuck," he whispered, voice cracking slightly. _"Fuck._ Fuck . . . "

"Levi," Hanji repeated, stronger this time. She pulled at one of his hands, lacing their fingers together. "Levi, it'll be okay."

"I can't even feel it. I can't - " He jabbed his leg harshly. " - feel - " He slammed his fist down on his left thigh, anger consuming him. _" - anything!"_

"Levi - "

"How am I going to be of any use like this?!" Levi spat, glaring at his lame limb in disgust. "I'm a fucking gimp, Hanji. I'm useless now - "

"Levi, shut up," Hanji interrupted, squeezing his hand as a sort of reprimand. "It'll be _fine._ Yeah, you're a cripple. So what? You're still one of our most brilliant officers. Erwin will find you a desk job."

"I don't _want_ a desk job," Levi snarled.

"Uhm . . . if I may?" the nurse intercepted hesitantly. They both shifted their focus to her, and she looked away, unable to meet either officer's eyes. "I'm not a doctor, but I think you have monoplegia? Which can sometimes be temporary. Which means with some physical therapy, you could be walking around like nothing ever happened."

"See, Levi?" Hanji said, beaming. "It'll be fine, like I said!"

"W-Well," the nurse hurriedly corrected her, "not necessarily. But it's still likely some sort of recovery can happen. Maybe you won't be running anymore, but you could probably walk with a cane."

"A cane," Levi echoed, still furious. "Great. Just great. I'm too young for this, damn it."

"At least it's not a wheelchair," Hanji pointed out. Levi grumbled in response. She was right - it wasn't the worst that could happen.

"I guess." He leaned back, sighing in exhaustion. "High hopes, low expectations."

.-.-.-.-.

_Riiing . . . riiing . . . rii -_

"Levi?!"

A low chuckle answered Eren, one that had a wide smile spreading across his face and his muscles tensing in excitement.

_"Long time no see, kid."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like . . . i could have made this longer, but the next scene i was going to add seemed kind of out of place? so here's this. i dont deserve them, but comments are highly appreciated and good motivation, so...


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so im really happy that none of you were angry at how late I was last chapter but? This is a dark tragedy fic? ? I AIM TO RUIN YOU ALL, ASSHOLES. WheRE THE DISTRESS AND ANGER AT THO ? ?¿ ?¿?
> 
> I'm trying to emphasize Levi's calm way of handling his problems versus Eren's panic in this fic, but I'm not sure how well it's going. Feedback on this would be nice.
> 
> Plot-wise, things are going to start going by pretty quickly. This fic is nearly over.

 

"Are you okay?!"

It was Eren's first question and, oddly enough, Levi's as well. The brunet was baffled as to why Levi would be concerned about him - he wasn't the one risking his life, after all - but the officer insisted on a play-by-play, so Eren obliged, for the most part. He told Levi all about how he spent his time alone - how often he ate, how he entertained himself, and his sleep schedule - keeping to himself the nightmares and panic attacks. Levi didn't need to know about all that.

In return, Levi filled him in on his medical problems and the negative possibilities. The loss of feeling in his right leg, the loss of control in his left. The gaping wound in his stomach that would require a skin graft. How Hange had offered to provide donor skin, but Levi had rejected the notion vehemently.

"Can we go on video?" was Eren's next question, to which Levi had warned him,  _"I've only got my phone."_

Eren didn't care. Neither did Levi. They didn't wait to click the little icon in the corner of the screen. They didn't bother to stop their smiles at the sight of one another, and Eren didn't bother to stop the tears that fell.

"Levi . . . "

_"Eren."_

They stared at each other a moment, searching expressions, reassuring themselves that the other was okay, and then Eren finally spoke again.

" . . . you look like hell, man."

Levi gave a small snort.  _"Fuck you."_

"Maybe when you're not stuck in a hospital bed," Eren teased, unable to hide his smile at Levi's slightly startled expression. It was like the sun coming out after a cloudy day; seeing the ravenet's face, hearing his voice, just knowing he was okay, had Eren forgetting all about the troubles he had faced in the past several days, all his loneliness and paranoia ebbing and fading until it vanished from his mind completely. Eren couldn't help it, though it was slightly embarrassing how happy Levi made him.

The captain recovered quickly, and a small smirk curved his lips.  _"Is that an invitation?"_

In response, Eren's own smile faded a little, a blush replacing it. He recalled the more pleasant - albeit perhaps a little stressful - thoughts that had plagued him in the past several days, and all too suddenly the idea of being in bed with Levi was a little too vivid in his mind.

 _"Calm down, Eren, it was a joke,"_ Levi said a little more gently, though the sound of the brunet's name on his lips sent a tingle down Eren's spine. He fought down his blush as his friend continued.  _"You don't look too hot, either,"_  he noted, brows furrowing at the sight of slightly swollen eyelids and the deep purple bags under them. _"Have you been sleeping okay?"_

Eren felt the lie on the tip of his tongue.  _I'm fine._ He nearly said it. But guilt washed over him; why lie to Levi? Levi, who he had nearly lost? Whose first instinct when he had the chance was to call Eren? To make sure he was okay, checking on him when he himself had nearly died? It wasn't fair, Eren scolded himself, not fair to lie to someone that had been so honest with him and clearly cared so much.

So he admitted, "Not really," and prepared himself for a scolding.

Instead, Levi asked him,  _"Why not?"_

Why not, indeed? Was it the crushing loneliness? The anxiety that came with the idea of sleeping, elicited by the fear of the nightmares that had plagued him for weeks? The senseless paranoia caused by the excessive darkness that his most basic instincts loathed? The irrational periodic fear that had him checking over his shoulder every few seconds, swearing he heard or saw something? The terror that if he slept one second, he would miss an important call from his friends - from Levi, even?

It was all too sudden, too overwhelming, and Eren felt sick, horribly sick. He covered his mouth as bile threatened to rise. Aside from the anxiety, there was shame. How had Levi slipped in there? He couldn't fool himself that easily, though; looking back to the sparse phone calls and their timings, it wasn't hard to see that Levi had become something like a savior to Eren nearly every time, intercepting dissociation, paranoia, and loneliness with his sporadic check-ins.

_"Eren?"_

God, he was still there, wasn't he? He was still there, and Eren was forcing him to witness this meltdown, to deal with his bullshit. The brunet muffled a weak sob with his palm. Levi had more important things to do than even grace Eren with his presence, let alone bother with a decent conversation, and certainly he didn't have time to put up with Eren's little breakdown. He didn't even know why he was having one.

"I-I'm sorry," he managed, forcing a deep breath to calm himself despite how sick it made him feel. "I should go. You probably need sleep."

He couldn't look at Levi. If he had, he would've seen the startled expression, the confusion in those furrowed eyebrows, the slight hurt and abandonment in searching silver eyes.

 _"Eren?"_  The voice was uncertain, gently probing, as if fearing another outburst. _"I just woke up. I don't need sleep. Are you all right?"_

"You need plenty of rest," Eren insisted, trying to sound fussy, as though Levi's welfare was actually the motive behind pushing him away. He hated himself even more because it wasn't - even more knowing the reason was so incredibly irrational, and yet he was doing it anyways. "Get some sleep so you can get better."

If he had just taken a glance at the officer, maybe the insecurity would have faded. Of course he didn't. Instead, the same sort of insecurity grew on Levi, making him rub at his neck uncertainly.

_"Are you sure? I can stay if you want me to."_

What was a hopeful offer from Levi was a hurtful hint to Eren. While Levi was merely looking for Eren to reach out, Eren only heard the passive mention of him being a burden. A strangled sort of noise left his lips, and he shook his head violently.

"No. No, I won't keep you."

Eren only wanted to relinquish Levi from his burden. He was a mess, and that was the last thing Levi needed to take care of.

_"Well . . . okay. I'll call later then."_

If only he would just look. If only he could see the hurt scrawled all over Levi's expression now - the hurt caused by Eren himself. Would it make him take back the violent rejection? Would he backpedal? Try to fix their misunderstandings before they got worse?

"Yeah. Later."

Instead, Eren was too much of a coward, and after a few moments of pregnant silence, the familiar soft beep of the call dropping greeted his ears. A familiar hollowness filled Eren's chest as he closed the laptop.

Just earlier he'd been panicking. Now he only felt empty. Maybe he would just sleep it off.

Before he could slide under his covers and close his eyes, there was a soft chime from his cell phone. He slid his hand into his pocket and pulled the device out of it, staring blankly at the message on the screen. Mikasa. Did he really have to answer? He was tired. But then there was another chime, and another, and then another for a different conversation. Eren supposed he could give a brief answer.

Despite the exhaustion dragging at his eyelids and darkness clawing at the deepest corners of his mind, he slid his finger across the screen to unlock it.

.-.-.-.-.

"Looking great there, champ."

An irritated sigh greeted the sarcasm, and Levi pushed a hand through his hair. "Leave me alone, Four-Eyes."

Hanji plopped down in the extra chair in her friend's office. She set a mug of coffee on his desk - the design was a heat-activated scale of how much he'd drank correlated with how agreeable he was, a gift from his squad. A pang of grief ricocheted in his chest. He ignored it.

"I come bearing gifts," Hanji replied warmly, ignoring his attempt to send her off. "What's the problemo, short-baby?"

"My leg is doing fine," Levi responded shortly. A lie, obviously, considering the cane propped up beside his desk, but it was the topic he thought she wanted to hear.

"Mm, try again. There's trouble in your eyes."

"In my eyes," Levi repeated flatly.

"In your eyes," Hanji echoed, nodding seriously.

There was silence, and Levi stopped typing, his mind far from the report in front of him. He leaned back in his chair, stretching his legs out in front of him. He could sort of move the left one now, but it was like pulling a puppet by the strings. He was sure all these desk hours weren't helping, but Erwin insisted he should rest. Asshole.

What  _was_  the problemo? There was his leg, and Marlo, and Eren -

"I guess . . . I guess there's a lot."

"Then tell me," Hanji coaxed, rubbing his back.

Damn it, she was the only one that could pull so much out of him so easily. Levi leaned forward on his elbows and massaged his temples, sighing deeply.

"Do you think my legs will ever be the same?"

Hanji exhaled sharply, as though she'd been expecting the question but hadn't hoped for it. "Do you want the nice answer or the honest one?"

"Tell me, doc," Levi drawled, trying to lighten the mood, "will I ever play hockey again?"

"Honestly? No, I don't see it happening." Levi flinched, but Hanji continued. "If you'd come straight out of surgery retaining at least a little mobility of that leg, I'd say sure, why not? But you couldn't feel a thing, Levi. Nerve damage can be repaired, but it's rare that people come back from that point." She paused, contemplating. "I figure Erwin might pressure you anyways, but if he so much as says a word about you going back into the field, I'll throat punch him."

He supposed she was right. Some part of him wished he could go back to the field. He had no love for desk work. But then . . . the field was always filled with bloodshed. He'd lost so many people. Could he handle the weight of even more deaths on his shoulders? He could hardly bear the ones he already held. Not to mention how many parents, siblings, loved ones of the deceased hated his guts now.

"I saw Marlo earlier," Levi admitted quietly. Hanji perked up, and her voice lowered.

"Not good?"

"He looked at me like I was a monster." The ravenet raked his fingers through his hair. "He lost his best friend in that raid. She died trying to be a fucking hero. He lost everyone . . . "

"Baby, it's not your fault."

"It might as well be."

Silence followed as they both contemplated his words. He was right; whether he was at fault or not, people only ever saw Levi as the culprit, the one who took the lives of his men. He supposed it was something you grew numb to, but Marlo was just a  _child._ He shouldn't have even been in that raid. None of that NY squad should have been. It was horrible. Levi didn't lose his first close teammate until he was two years older than the guy.

"That's not all, is it?"

Levi wasn't so weak as to admit that  _no, that's not all,_ but his silence answered Hanji just as clearly.

"Is it Eren?"

Levi exhaled slowly. She always knew.

"He's just so  _confusing,_ Hanji."

"To you," she snorted. "Spill the beans. Get a lady's analysis."

"Last week . . . " He found himself at a loss of words, and had to try again. "We haven't video called in a while. Last week . . . fuck, I don't know. He shoved me away out of nowhere."

"Was it really out of nowhere?"

"All I did was ask how he was."

"And did you think that maybe he hasn't been doing great?"

"Obviously, Four-Eyes," Levi scoffed, getting a little irritated. He softened a little when he remembered the scene - Eren's eyes watering, the way he tried to hide his quivering lip, his cracking voice. "Why wouldn't he just talk to me?"

"He's going through hell, you know." Hanji leaned back in her seat and sipped her coffee, reminding Levi his cup had still been untouched. He reached forward and pulled the cup to his lips as she spoke. The warmth was soothing. "Do you have any idea how stressful the darkness and loneliness is? And you know damn well he's probably not using his happy lights like he's supposed to."

Levi frowned, staring down at his coffee. "That just brings me back to the question of why he won't confide in me. That little brat, he knows I'm here. I'm talking to him, aren't I?"

Hanji tilted her head. Levi wasn't sure if she was thinking of an answer or how to phrase her response. Eventually, she settled on, "You have your own problems, too, don't you? He probably doesn't want to burden you."

"At the cost of his own mental health?"

"Not everyone is as strong as you, Levi." Hanji took another sip of her coffee. "He's fucked up over his situation, and he doesn't want you to worry about it, too."

Perplexed, Levi recalled, "But I  _invited_  him to tell me."

Patiently, Hanji responded, "That doesn't necessarily mean anything to someone with mental illness."

"Fuck," was the only thing Levi could respond with.

How had he been so blind?

He was a war veteran, he'd lost people, he'd watched best friends become totally unresponsive vegetables from the PTSD, he'd led people to their deaths, he'd told so many families their children and brothers and sisters were slaughtered. He' seen so much misery. He'd watched lives fall apart. Levi was no stranger to suffering. So why hadn't he realized how fucked Eren was? How hadn't he recognized the signs of someone barely holding it together?

Eren was just another soldier, fighting for his life and well-being, and he was losing. He needed someone to lead him victory.

"He needs you, Levi," Hanji said softly.

Startled, the ravenet wondered if he'd thought aloud, but no, Hanji simply knew. She always knew. Downing the rest of her coffee, the brunette stood and headed for the door.

"Go to him."

She shut the door behind her for privacy.

.-.-.-.-.

_"Why don't you tell him?"_

_"I guess I never really realized it."_

Only half of the truth. Rejection was soul-crushing. The fear of it was what put that handful of pills in Eren's hand. Mikasa's insisting stuck with him. His hands shook. Water sloshed out of the glass. Was he really doing this? What about Levi?

_"Well, tell him anyways. He sounds like he likes you, too."_

A choked cry escaped the back of his throat. Levi. This wasn't fair. He just wanted to stop hurting, but what would Levi think? He was a coward.

That was what led him to his computer and made him open Skype. He angled the screen further back so Levi wouldn't see the water and pills on his desk, internally preparing. Just click the button. Click the button, and if he doesn't answer, Eren can end it all.

Before he could, a call came through. Eren yelped in surprise, heart racing.  _Levi?_

He answered, and there his knight was, nursing a cup of coffee.

_"Is it later yet?"_

Eren forced a smile. "It is. Hi again, old man."

Levi snorted.  _"I am in my prime, you shit."_  He sipped from his cup, one Eren found oddly amusing.  _"Anyways, what'd going on in that cute head of yours?"_

For a moment, Eren forgot his fears. For a moment, the depression slipped away.

But only a moment. He frowned a little, glancing away. "I, uh . . . I have a confession to make." 

Levi's eyebrows raised, and he leaned closer to the screen, curious. Eren's fist closed around the pills. This was it. 

_"What is it, kid?"_

Eren swallowed past the lump in his throat. 

"I like you, Levi."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> levi being flustered in secret and then trying to play it off gives me life

Eren . . . what?

Liked him? Like . . . friend like, or like like? That was a lot of likes. If Eren meant friends, why would he point it out? It was kind of weird. So surely he meant more than that?

As if reading his mind, Eren clarified.

_"I, uh, got attached, I guess. You're nice and helpful, and handsome, and it's really lonely here, and you've just come to mean a lot to me - "_

"You're rambling," Levi cut him off. Painful regret echoed in his chest when Eren flinched, and his lower lip trembled a little. Stammering, Levi tried to fix his mistake. "I mean - fuck, sorry, I didn't mean - "

 _"It's okay,"_  Eren interrupted quietly. The crack in his voice betrayed him. Levi didn't comment on it.  _"I'm sorry. I came on too strong."_

"You didn't - "

_"I'm gonna go."_

Eren's hand moved to the mouse. Disorienting panic slammed into Levi, and he gripped the edge of his desk. Eren was running away from him again, and it was all his damn fault.

"Wait!"

The brunet froze, startled jade eyes staring into Levi's like a deer caught in headlights. Levi faltered.

"I - "

He cut himself off. He'd never been so unsure of himself, of the words he should use, of how to get his message across, of how to get what he wanted.

_" . . . yeah?"_

Eren looked ready to bolt.

"I like you, too."

Silence. Surprise etched onto those tan features. Eren exhaling sharply, looking away, and glancing back at the ravenet, eyes a little watery.

_"Are you sure?"_

Was he sure? Levi knew he liked Eren, but how much?

Eren was cute. He'd always thought that. Eren had soft looking hair that Levi wanted to touch and the prettiest green eyes he'd ever seen. He was good at making Levi laugh. He brightened Levi's days when all that had happened was hours of paperwork and boredom. Eren was someone to look forward to talking to.

Eren was also hurt, and even with a job helping people, Levi had never wanted to help someone so badly.

"Yeah. I'm sure."

It was sudden. Levi knew that. It was sudden, and he hadn't really had a chance to iron his thoughts or feelings out, but he didn't feel any sort of looming obligation or sense of foreboding with his confession. If Eren was interested in romance, Levi didn't mind trying out a relationship and seeing how it worked out. Hell, they flirted for a reason; now that he thought about it, Levi was sure that, inevitably, mentions of a relationship would have popped up.

He expected Eren to be happy about it. Why were tears streaking down his cheeks? A little panicked, Levi tried to hide his frown. Had he said something wrong?

"Eren?"

Eren exhaled again, and Levi realized they were attempts at hiding sobs. Soon, Eren was muffling them in his hand, squeezing those pretty eyes shut and causing more tears to fall. At a complete loss, Levi just watched him, jaw dropped slightly. What was he supposed to do? How did one comfort crying people? He'd never been good at this sort of thing.

He didn't end up having to do anything, though. Eren reached forward and angled the camera down, and Levi's breath caught in his throat. Pills, all different sizes and shapes and colors. Pills everywhere, scattered across the desk, some probably on the floor. Eren's shaking hands scooping them up, dropping several. Shoving them all into the same bottle and throwing that bottle across the room with surprising force and aggression, his sobs increasing in frequency and volume. Levi watched this all with eyes stretched wide, a foreign sense of fear tightening his chest.

"Did you - ?"

Eren shook his head violently. _"Almost."_

Relief overwhelmed the ravenet. He almost said "good," but felt that might be harsh. Instead, he settled on, "I'm glad."

Eren continued to shake with those vicious sobs wracking his frame. There was nothing Levi could say, nothing he could do but watch as those big tears rolled down tan cheeks. What was he supposed to do in this situation?

Thankfully, it wasn't long before Eren spoke again. _"I-I'm sorry,"_  he stammered through the tears, his voice dull.  _"I'm being stupid. I should go."_

Was he trying to leave again? Sighing, Levi shook his head. "Stay. I want you to stay."

Eren faltered, finally looking at the screen, eyes wide and rimmed with red.  _"Are you sure?"_

Levi nodded seriously. "I'm sure."

Eren seemed soothed by that, backing down and running a self-conscious hand through his hair. He worried at his lip, and Levi wanted to tell him not to, but soon enough Eren spoke again.  _"Not to be mean, just . . . don't you have work to do?"_

Mild irritation furrowed Levi's brow. He held it back with a sigh. "Stop questioning me. Stay."

Eren tilted his head. The motion was cute despite the red rimming his eyes and the slight pout he still held, like a curious puppy. A small smile appeared on his lips, a tad nervous, and the sight of it had Levi relaxing. The tension in his muscles dissipated at the sign Eren was happy. The words that came out of his mouth, however, had him tensing right back up and a flaming pink rushing to his cheeks.

_"No, it's not that. It's . . . you're staring."_

Was he staring? Well - yes, he supposed he was - but what else was he supposed to look at? Eren was the nicest thing in the room, a hell of a lot nicer than his paperwork. Shit, that wasn't helping his case. The slowly widening grin on Eren's face made him realize he was still staring, and it had him wondering just how long they'd been there. How long had this entire exchange lasted? And why was he still staring?

Levi, however, was the master of bouncing back. It took tremendous effort and willpower, but he smoothed his features before quirking an eyebrow. "I like to admire you. You're like a work of art."

It was Eren's turn to flush dramatically. A small giggle escaped his lips and he covered his face, shoulders shaking. The sound was light, lifting Levi's spirits, and he reveled in the accomplishment of making Eren laugh. When Eren's hands fell away, though, despite his lingering smile, there were a few tears staining his cheeks, and he rubbed them away.

Levi felt his heart drop again, immense worry cutting through his good mood. "What's wrong?"

Eren shook his head and rubbed a bit aggressively at his eyes. He blinked rapidly as if to discourage any more from falling with a soft sigh.  _"Nothing, I think,"_  he replied, and he sounded sincere. _"I just feel . . . confused."_

"Confused?" Levi echoed.

 _"Just minutes ago, I - I was going to end it all."_  His voice trembled a little, and he paused for a moment to take a deep breath.  _"And now here you are, making me so happy despite that. I didn't think I could smile again. Not like this."_

That had Levi a bit flustered. Did he really make Eren that happy? It was a little befuddling, thinking he might have so much influence over someone else. Most people just hated him.

"Well . . . I'm glad you're happy," he said dumbly, and a little giggle from Eren was infectious, making him crack a small smile.

 _"Happy,"_  Eren repeated, and he sounded pleased. Letting out a quiet puff of air that passed as a small sigh, Eren rubbed at his eyes again, and tilted his head at Levi.  _"You really should get back to work."_

Levi's heart sank a little. He didn't want Eren to leave. "I can work with you here," he offered. He knew the danger had passed for now, knew he couldn't hold Eren there if he didn't want to be there, but he still worried.

 _"No, it's okay,"_ Eren told him. A yawn cut him off, and Levi had to wait for the unsurprising second half of his words.  _"I'm just sleepy. Though . . . "_

He looked a little shy now, rubbing at the base of his neck. It was cute, Levi found himself noting, before he asked, "What is it?"

_"Would you stay with me until I fall asleep?"_

Levi found himself cracking a small smile. "Absolutely."

.-.-.-.-.

Days came and went. Every day was a wild trip - some days, Eren's heart throbbed with loneliness, and the pills in his cabinet were so tempting he  _craved_ them, so needy he even popped a few (just to sleep, he promised himself, and of course he didn't tell Levi about it). Other days, his chest was full of warm fuzziness, his eyes filled with hearts as he openly just . . . stared at the beautiful man on his laptop screen, listened to the pleasant baritone as he talked.

Sometimes there was the dull beige backdrop of an office, and other times he caught glimpses of a dark navy blue and pillows propped up, presumably Levi's bedroom. He had no issue talking to Eren wherever he was, and it both embarrassed and slightly worried him. He tried not to abuse the privilege to badly but, at Levi's urging, promised he would never hold back when he needed to call.

Eren pillowed his head on his arms and sighed moodily into them. Despite both of their wishes, Levi was unreachable that day, and while it wasn't a bad day emotionally, it was unbearably boring without him around. He had grown accustomed to human contact now. Eren wasn't upset, really; Levi's reason for his unavailability was extremely valid, as he had a multi-person funeral to attend to. More than anything, though, he worried about whether he would be okay through that.

Almost as if on cue - the duo had an uncanny knack for that - his phone rang. Letting out a noise of both surprise and excitement, he fumbled for the device.

They had exchanged numbers shortly after getting together, during a rather cutely naive conversation. Apparently, Levi hadn't been in a relationship for a long while, and awkwardly asked if trading numbers was a thing couples did. Eren found the shyness he showed rather endearing, and they'd shared a couple of dumb texts during their video call. Their primary method of contact was still Skype, though, so he was rather befuddled as to why Levi would call.

Finally, he answered the call, holding the phone to his ear.

"Hi," he greeted breathlessly. There was a moment of quiet static, and then a crackly, weary sigh.

 _"Hey,"_ Levi answered. He sounded tired, and Eren's heart twinged sympathetically.  _"Sorry if I startled you. I'm on my way back home, so no Wi-Fi."_

"Calling and driving?" Eren asked, a little concerned, though he felt a tad guilty to scold. It was the end of the day now, after all, and they had  _just_ started talking.

 _"I can multitask,"_ Levi reassured him. Another staticky puff, a quiet sigh.  _"Just been a hard day. How are you?"_

"I can imagine." Eren nodded sympathetically, though Levi couldn't see it.

He could only imagine, really. Eren had only ever been to one funeral - that of his father's, whom he had always had a fucked up relationship with. But Levi had been through so many deaths, so many funerals, both people he had just met and people he had known for years. It wasn't something he talked about, but it was something Eren knew was inescapable with a job like his. How many of them had just been single funerals? How many had been several corpses lined up in a row, like this one? What was it like, those funerals? What was it like to see all those caskets, to know everyone that was inside them, to face their families?

Eren badly wanted to ask, but shook his head against it. "I'm fine," he continued, just remembering Levi had asked the question. "It's been slow. It's stupid, but I missed you."

 _"It's cute,"_ Levi said, and instantly, Eren felt his cheeks heat.

"It is  _not_ cute!" he squeaked indignantly. "I'm a grown ass man! I'm not cute."

_"Well I'm a growner asser man, and I say you are."_

Eren spluttered, and on the other end, Levi chuckled quietly. Eren would be lying if he said it didn't warm his heart. That laugh was one of his favorite sounds in the entire world. They both faded into a contented silence, and Eren let out a contented little hum. Usually, he hated the quiet, but when Levi was there . . . well, it was all right.

He always felt guilty, like he was using Levi, holding him down with the threat of suicide. After his childhood, he'd sworn to himself he'd never be selfish like his father, and now it felt like he was doing just that. But, as Levi regularly reminded him when he apologized for it, Eren couldn't help his situation, or how hard it made things. Even the happiest people would be driven to do horrible things to themselves, driven mad by the darkness.

 _This isn't the real you,_ he told Eren, and he wondered how Levi could be so sure. Still, it helped. And, when he worried that Levi only stayed with him out of fear, Levi was quick to remind him that he didn't know of Eren's plan until  _after_ they both confessed.

Levi always knew the right things to say. Perhaps it came with years of practice. Eren tried not to think about it.

_"Hey . . . "_

Levi sounded unsure of himself. "Hm?"

There was a pause, and then the man spoke again.  _"I'm just . . . I don't know. I want to tell you about something when I get home. I mean, if that's all right."_

Curiosity peeked its dangerous head out from the closet. "Well, I don't see why it wouldn't be," Eren said, tilting his head. "What is it?"

 _"Just - things."_ Levi had never sounded so hesitant before.  _"Shit's been eating at me all day. I don't know,"_ he said again.  _"It's not really important, I guess. Or maybe it is? I haven't mentioned it before. Nobody ever knew that didn't need to know. I don't talk about it."_

Understanding dawned on Eren's face, and mild anxiety came with it. He remembered Hanji's words clear as day.  _He lost his entire team. His uncle and siblings._

"Is it . . . about that squad you lost?"

He expected shock, distress, even anger from Levi, but to his surprise, the man expressed none of it.

_"I suppose Hanji told you, then?"_

"Not much," Eren said quickly, feeling more than a little guilty. "Just that it happened."

Another burst of static. Levi was sighing a lot today.  _"There's more to it. I wouldn't say a_ lot _more, but, well . . . more."_

Eren didn't know what to say to that. There were words, apologies, questions, but he couldn't formulate anything coherent with them. Instead, he sat there dumbly, wishing he knew and that the shame constricting his lungs would at least give a little.

_"Anyways, I'm getting close to town. I'll call you later."_

Eren didn't get the chance to say anything before the line went dead. Helplessly, he stared at the end call screen, and the guilt squeezed harder, wrapping around his heart like a vice. He hadn't gotten a word in edgewise. He hadn't told Levi he loved him before they hung up. He hadn't even apologized. He'd simply sat there, leaving Levi with whatever poisonous thoughts were in his head, whatever imagery had been pestering him all day . . .

Three thousand miles away, Levi let his head fall back against the seat as he approached a red light. He shouldn't have brought it up. What was he thinking? He was a veteran, a soldier, an officer of the law. He could handle a few painful memories - god knew he dealt with enough of them. He didn't need to project them on everyone else. They didn't need to deal with that.

A car honked behind him and he flinched, taking his foot off the brake and moving through the intersection.

**Author's Note:**

> I was urged by Sorkari to post this, so go thank him if you like this. If you don't like this don't you dare blame him because he's a precious lovable cinnamon roll he does not deserve that
> 
> Bookmarks and kudos are loved, comments are worshiped!
> 
> Ja ne~


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